Tis the season of obesity, and the abundance of the fupa, which I expect will make an appearance several times during the holidays. I picked the absolute worst time to go on a low carb diet considering every god damn piece of food is made up of carbohydrates. I'd like to lose twenty pounds before I dip to Vegas for Spring Break, but I've been saying that I've wanted to lose twenty pounds since I was a porker in the fifth grade and a pro at tetherball.
I feel like I've described the fupa several times in past entries, but for you rookies I'll do another quick overview. The FUPA is shortened for a FAT UPPER PUSSY AREA. I also like to think that you can have a FUBA, which is a FAT UPPER BACK AREA. The fupa is essentially the area above your vag that is enlarged usually due to obesity that tends to expand through yo pants. If you have a fupa you'll probably know about it, people will stare. The fuba is basically just a bunch o back fat, which is generally pretty fucking unflattering.
Or do you think anyone gives a shit about the dress/duvet cover she's wearing?
I decided to say fuck me in the ass to the whole diet crescendo during the holidays and allow for the turkey baster to penetrate me repeatedly while injecting stuffing into my ever growing fat cells.
Note: I do talk about being penetrated and raped a lot, it just seems to go fittingly with whatever I'm talking about.
Also to commemorate Thanksgiving, November also marks the month of the infamous "No Shave November." Basically people decide to not shave for the month of November. I'm not really sure why people do this...but I joined in. Not because I intentionally wanted to participate in no shave, but because I'm a lazy piece of shit. And I'm not getting laid on a regular basis, so I feel no need to keep myself as bare as a two year old's bottom.
So since I am home for Thanksgiving break, my mother felt the need to do all of my dentist and doctor check-ups to keep me as healthy as possible. I guess I should take advantage of this luxury before I have to pay for my own health insurance (liver transplants are $300,000.)
Anyway, I head to the doctor for a check up. She's a pretty swell lady, we discussed my sleeping habits, alcohol and smoking habits, the usual. And I really thought that was all the check up was, then she pulled out the hospital gown and it was evident, I was going to get THAT kind of check up as well. Fuck. Not only do I absolutely fucking hate this part of the doctor's visit, but I was hairy fucking everywhere. I resembled Chewbacca's long lost cousin. I was sitting on the doctor's table in my adorable little gown, trying to hide my legs, and she told me to lie down for the breast exam. The thing that drives me crazy about both doctors and dentists is how they try and make small talk with you at the most awkward moments. At this point in time, while my doctor is feeling me up. I just try and look away and stare at the ceiling thinking about what I'm going to eat for lunch later.
Then she suddenly asks me, "Do you have implants?"
G: "Uhmm..no. And I think we talked about this last time I was here."
Doc: "Ohh! I'm sorry, you just have very firm breast tissue."
G: "I see, what the hell does that mean."
Doc: "It just means that they won't sag when you're older."
Well, I guess there is some hope for me. Even though they already sag. But I guess this means when I'm older they won't hang past my belly button.
After the awkward grope sesh with my doctor is over, it's time for her to examine my lower manhood. If her feeling up wasn't awful enough, this level of awkwardness just burst through the fucking roof. I have to put my feet on these metal stirrups and do the spread eagle. My legs are clenched together tighter than a re-stiched vagina. She orders me to relax and let my legs fall apart, I just want to cry. But before that, I apologize for my not shaving prior to our visit. I'm sure she's seen worse, and probably even bigger fupas.
I hope everyone else is having a wonderful, fupa-induced Thanksgiving holiday.
A few things that I'm thankful for worth noting:
1. Friends and Family - For keeping me alive and loving me through all my blunders and mishaps. Or at least doing a really great job at pretending they give a shit.
2. Food - You get me through the times when I am man-less. Or even when I do have a fellow. Cheers to you for contributing to my fupa, fuba, and sagging breasts.
3. Booze - You just may be the heart and soul contribution to this blog. Thanks for keeping my standards low and my tolerance high.
4. Chelsea Handler - For knowing that there are other women in this world who don't give a rat's ass about what people think about them. You are a diamond in pile of horse manure, and I plan on sending you my blog link once I hit a certain amount of followers.
What are you guys thankful for? If anything, be thankful for the FUPA for storing excess fat incase we get a little hungry.