Thursday, November 24, 2011

The Holiday Fupa, and My Doctor Thinks I Have Breast Implants

Happy Thanksgiving you turkey trotting, gravy gobbling, cranberry creaming readers!

Tis the season of obesity, and the abundance of the fupa, which I expect will make an appearance several times during the holidays. I picked the absolute worst time to go on a low carb diet considering every god damn piece of food is made up of carbohydrates. I'd like to lose twenty pounds before I dip to Vegas for Spring Break, but I've been saying that I've wanted to lose twenty pounds since I was a porker in the fifth grade and a pro at tetherball.

I feel like I've described the fupa several times in past entries, but for you rookies I'll do another quick overview. The FUPA is shortened for a FAT UPPER PUSSY AREA. I also like to think that you can have a FUBA, which is a FAT UPPER BACK AREA. The fupa is essentially the area above your vag that is enlarged usually due to obesity that tends to expand through yo pants. If you have a fupa you'll probably know about it, people will stare. The fuba is basically just a bunch o back fat, which is generally pretty fucking unflattering.

Or do you think anyone gives a shit about the dress/duvet cover she's wearing?

I decided to say fuck me in the ass to the whole diet crescendo during the holidays and allow for the turkey baster to penetrate me repeatedly while injecting stuffing into my ever growing fat cells.

Note: I do talk about being penetrated and raped a lot, it just seems to go fittingly with whatever I'm talking about. 

Also to commemorate Thanksgiving, November also marks the month of the infamous "No Shave November." Basically people decide to not shave for the month of November. I'm not really sure why people do this...but I joined in. Not because I intentionally wanted to participate in no shave, but because I'm a lazy piece of shit. And I'm not getting laid on a regular basis, so I feel no need to keep myself as bare as a two year old's bottom.

So since I am home for Thanksgiving break, my mother felt the need to do all of my dentist and doctor check-ups to keep me as healthy as possible. I guess I should take advantage of this luxury before I have to pay for my own health insurance (liver transplants are $300,000.)

Anyway, I head to the doctor for a check up. She's a pretty swell lady, we discussed my sleeping habits, alcohol and smoking habits, the usual. And I really thought that was all the check up was, then she pulled out the hospital gown and it was evident, I was going to get THAT kind of check up as well. Fuck. Not only do I absolutely fucking hate this part of the doctor's visit, but I was hairy fucking everywhere. I resembled Chewbacca's long lost cousin. I was sitting on the doctor's table in my adorable little gown, trying to hide my legs, and she told me to lie down for the breast exam. The thing that drives me crazy about both doctors and dentists is how they try and make small talk with you at the most awkward moments. At this point in time, while my doctor is feeling me up. I just try and look away and stare at the ceiling thinking about what I'm going to eat for lunch later.

Then she suddenly asks me, "Do you have implants?"
G: " And I think we talked about this last time I was here."
Doc: "Ohh! I'm sorry, you just have very firm breast tissue."
G: "I see, what the hell does that mean."
Doc: "It just means that they won't sag when you're older."

Well, I guess there is some hope for me. Even though they already sag. But I guess this means when I'm older they won't hang past my belly button.

After the awkward grope sesh with my doctor is over, it's time for her to examine my lower manhood. If her feeling up wasn't awful enough, this level of awkwardness just burst through the fucking roof. I have to put my feet on these metal stirrups and do the spread eagle. My legs are clenched together tighter than a re-stiched vagina. She orders me to relax and let my legs fall apart, I just want to cry. But before that, I apologize for my not shaving prior to our visit. I'm sure she's seen worse, and probably even bigger fupas.

I hope everyone else is having a wonderful, fupa-induced Thanksgiving holiday.

A few things that I'm thankful for worth noting:

1. Friends and Family - For keeping me alive and loving me through all my blunders and mishaps. Or at least doing a really great job at pretending they give a shit.

2. Food - You get me through the times when I am man-less. Or even when I do have a fellow. Cheers to you for contributing to my fupa, fuba, and sagging breasts.

3. Booze - You just may be the heart and soul contribution to this blog. Thanks for keeping my standards low and my tolerance high.

4. Chelsea Handler - For knowing that there are other women in this world who don't give a rat's ass about what people think about them. You are a diamond in pile of horse manure, and I plan on sending you my blog link once I hit a certain amount of followers.

What are you guys thankful for? If anything, be thankful for the FUPA for storing excess fat incase we get a little hungry. 

Twatter: tronaholic


  1. I totally just gave myself an impromptu boob exam just to see if I had 'feels like implants' tits.

    I don't.

  2. I think she just thought I have implants because my boobs feel like Flubber. That's embarrassing.

  3. That means your boobs are a Maxwell Solid, which is AWESOMESAUCE.

    Seriously. I wish my boobs could be that nerdy.

    On another note, I'm thankful for Chelsea too. Without her I wouldn't have the word 'coslopus' in my vocab.

  4. I have sworn off all diets during major holidays.. it isnt worth it... I am not going to give up food while my family stuffs their fat faces in front of me.
    Chelsea is queen bee! She has taught me so much and made me laugh so hard I almost peed my chones!

  5. I'm thankful I just learned what FUPA meant. ...Or, am i? Can't unsee that picture.

  6. thanks for the extra info/knowledge. (i totally have a fuba, btw) HAPPY 2012, YOU!!! :D

  7. Yolanda - My New Years Resolution was to lose twenty pounds, it's January 11th and I'm about to go get Panda Express.

    MR - You're being insensitive

    Gia - I'm glad I helped to expand your vocabulary, I hope you can use this term to point them out publicly.

    Sgrmse - No problem love! I do too, which is why I chose to blog about it. It sucks when the only thing you fantasize about is what your next meal will be.

  8. Interesting post, follow u now, we could follow each other :)
    If u can, visit:
    See ya!

  9. My friends and I made up a song about fupas to the tune of the oompa loompa song. Keeps me going after a hard days work.

  10. I once sent chelsea handler a marriage proposal.

  11. That's putrid. Bless her heart. Can she help it? Most prooo'bly not - coming from America where it's all the rage at Wal-Mart. Isis would help.

    You’ll looove our plethora of produce, girl, which’ll plant the seed for YOU to grow to great heights!! PROCEED AT YOUR OWN WISK:

    Frankly, I wouldn't be tooo worried about what the whorizontal world thot about me, dear; I'd be much more concerned about what Jesus shall say at our General Judgment. You may not like me now, yet, alas! I’m not out to please you. Lemme wanna gonna tella youse Who (grrr - New Joisey accent):

    Greeting, earthling. Not sure if we're on the same page if you saw what I saw. Because I was an actual NDE on the outskirts of the Great Beyond at 15 yet wasn’t allowed in, lemme share with you what I actually know Seventh-Heaven’s Big-Bang’s gonna be like for us if ya believe/accept: meet this ultra-bombastic, ex-mortal-Upstairs for the most extra-blatant, catch-22-excitotoxxins, guhroovaliciousnessly delicious, pleasure-beyond-measure, Ultra-Idyllic/Firepower/Sexy addiction in the Great Beyond for a BIG-ol, kick-ass, party-hardy, robust-N-risqué, eternal-real-McCoy-warp-drive you DO NOT wanna miss the sink-your-teeth-in-the-rrrock’nNsmmmokin’-hot-deal: PLEASE KEEP HANDS/FEET INSIDE THE WIDE UNTIL WE MADE A CIRCUMFERENCE OF the OUTSTANDING, NEVER-ENDING, THRILLIONTH-RED-MARKER-POSSIBILITIES!!! Puh-leeeze meet me Upstairs. Do that for us. Cya soon, girl…