Tuesday, July 26, 2011

I Was One Janky Fifteen Year Old: Looking Back On Myspace Memories

I just logged into my old Myspace account. Somehow I miraculously remembered my password and username, and logged in to find a plethora of embarrassing memories.

The things I noticed:

1. Myspace Status Updates: My status is, Gabby McCone is..."bein' hated on cause she's a chub chub."
WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! Also, my mood is fascinated. What the fuck am I fascinated with?

2. Myspace pictures: These are just awful. The beginning of my drinking career. All these photos involve my friends and I throwing up peace signs with pouty lips with bottles of Mikes Hard Lemonade in the basements of our parent's houses.


Not to mention, in the beginning when I first had Myspace, I posted some slutty pictures of myself in tiny shorts and a tank top, this mind you, was when I was fifteen. I didn't know about the creeps checking out my profile and seeing what they were seeing. I just liked the attention, and the complements. That's when my mom discovered that her pride and hairy joy is becoming a Cuban slooter.

3. Myspace Messages: These are a doozy. I cannot believe how many people would randomly message or try and add you through Myspace. No wonder my parents made me take my slutty pictures down when I was fifteen. Not only that, but how I was talking, I sound like a complete moron, and completely unintelligent. I can't spell anything, and I used words like "cuz, ya, ur, kewl." I CANNOT STAND WHEN PEOPLE TALK LIKE THIS. And miraculously, a lot of people still do. Has anyone seen that movie with Luke Wilson called "Idiocracy?" It's absolutely hilarious, and absolutely true if we do not get our shit together in the next twenty years. If you haven't seen it, I strongly recommend it. Although, it's kind of depressing in the truth of the movie.

But I can't believe how much fucking drama happened on Myspace. I am literally pouring through hundreds of messages from people back and forth being sneaky and catty. Talking about boyfriends and backstabbing friends and "what she said to my boyfriend when she was drunk," blah blah blah. Myspace politics were absolutely absurd.

HAHA also, I just came across this message with this guy in highschool (I was a senior and he was a freshman) and he was trying to come on to me and I was completely oblivious.

Here's how the conversation started.

Date: Apr 30, 2008 5:23 PM
"wen i first saw u i had to change my name to charlie"

Date: Apr 30, 2008 9:27 PM
"i don't get it..?"

Date: Apr 30, 2008 5:29 PM
"ur supose to say y k lets start ova wen i first saw u baby i had to change my name to charlie"

Date: Apr 30, 2008 9:29 PM
"ookay, why?"

Date: Apr 30, 2008 5:31 PM
"cuz wen i first saw u i knew u were my angel"


4. Myspace Surveys: Do you remember these? When people made you fill them out and give awkward answers to situations that you didn't even know about at that age?
For example:

do you's
1. do you think im cute?
2. do you want to kiss me?
3. do you want to cuddle with me?
4. do you want to hook up with me?

are we's
1. are we aquaintences?
2. are we friends?
3. are we hook ups?
4. are we in a relationship?
5. are we gonna have kids? i

am i's
1. am i smart?
2. am i hott?
3. am i funny?
4. am i interesting?
5. am i datable?

have you ever?
1. have you ever thought about me?
2. have you ever thought there might be an "us"?
3. have you ever thought about hookin up with me?
4. have you ever found yourself wanting a kiss from me?
5. have you ever wished i were there?

are you's
1. are you attracted to me?
2. are you happy you know me?
3. are you mad at me?
4. are you thinkin bout me?
5. are you going to repost this so that i will return the favor? 

Aren't these fucking awkward? Especially when people who are really unattractive and someone you are not very good friends with fills it out regarding you. Then what the fuck are you supposed to do? Return the favor? Absolutely not.

I also got one of these in a random message in 2008:

whoever ruins this will be single and your boobs/penis will shrink for the next 4 years...national MAKE OUT WEEKEND this Friday-monday morning and if you repost this as a bulletin in the the next 7 minutes, you will be kissed by someone who really likes you and who you really like this weekend.

I would absolutely love if my breasts shrunk a size or two. 

Butttt some of the surveys I will admit, were fun, and a great way to pass the time when I didn't want to work on my Chemistry homework. So I'm going to post one that I filled out several years ago, and then write my answers to it now, several years later.

These are my responses, more than five years ago. 

Date: Apr 22, 2006 7:15 PM

A N S W E R - T R U T H F U L L Y
1. Do you like anyone?: uhm yes. duh. haha.
2. Do they know it?: you betcha.
3. Simple or complicated?: what? whats simple or complicated?

IN - T H E - L A S T - M O N T H - H A V E - Y O U
5. Bought something: yeah. today i bought a chicken burger haha
6. Gotten sick?: no actually not. well i had the sniffles for a bit lol.
7. Been hugged? of course
8. Felt stupid?: every fucking day i feel stupid.
9. Talked to an ex?: nope
10. Missed someone: yeah.
11. Failed a test: hahaha yeah i have.
13. Danced: yeah! i dance all the time. you will never catch me not dancing.
27. Snuck out?: yuuup
28. Sat and looked at the stars?: yes. best time ever.

29. Do you swear/curse? all the time.
30. Do you ever spit?: hahaha yeah. its disgusting.
31. You cook your own food?: on occasion. when im in the "chef" mood.
32. You do your own clothes?: sure.
34. You like pepsi or coke?: diet pepsi or diet coke
35. You're happy with your hair life?: yeah. i like the natural look of my hair actually. translation. the sex hair. haha.
37. You spend your money wisely?: yeah i do actually. im extremely cautious when it comes to spending money.
38. Do you like to swim?: hahaha. uhm.... sorta. well nicole would know the answer to that question hahaha.
39. When you get bored do you call a friend: yeah. all the time.

D O - Y O U - P R E F E R'S
41. Flowers or angels?: id have to say both.
42. Gray or black?: black
43. Color or black and white photos?: both. i cant decide i love them both alot.
44. Lust or love?: both again haha
45. Sunrise or sunset?: probably sunset. although sunrise is beautiful especially if your in like hawaii or mexico.
46. M&Ms or Skittles?: both. it depends on my mood. if im craving something fruity or chocolaty.
48. Staying up late or waking up early?: hellla staying up late.
49. Being hot or cold?: oo thats a hard one. id have to say hot though.
50. Winter or Fall?: winter.
51. Left or right?: right
52. Having 10 acquaintances or 2 best friends? 2 best buddies
53. Sunshine or rain?: both. it depends again i guess.
54. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream?: i like both alot. i like them swirled together though probably.

H A V E - Y O U - E V E R
Made out for more than 5 minutes?: actually to tell you the truth i havent. it seemed like hours but it was like 2 minutes haha.
Slept in a bed of the opposite sex?: yuuup
Hooked up in the woods?: no. but i know someone who has.. hahahahaha.
Drank a bottle of alcohol by yourself?: ooo yes. gooood times my friend.
Been Dumped? negatory
Stolen money from a friend?: hell no
Slept naked?: yeah hahaha. summer.
Been in a fist fight?: no. i wanted to really punch this one girl though. HELLA bad. hahaha. but. no.
Snuck out of your house?: not MY house in renton. but my grandmas house alot and usually my homies houses.
Had a crush on a teacher?: gross. all of my teachers have been fat. old. ugly. balding. stupid.
Seen someone die?: no and i really hope i dont.
Been on an airplane?: yeah
Slept all day?: nope. the latest was like 12 haha
Missed someone so much it hurt?: oh yes all the time.
Fallen asleep during school?: for sure. math. history. spanish. language arts. worst teachers ever anyways haha.
Been lonely?: yeah
Cheated in a game? hahaha yeah
Been to the ER?: nope
Been in a car accident?: hahahaha yeah several. well recently yesterday lol.
Had detention?: middle school detention i suppose haha
Cried yourself to sleep?: yeah.. more than once sadly :(
Done something you told yourself you'd never do again?: yup
Sung in the shower?: yayuh
Hooked up with more than 2 people in 1 weekend?: nope lol
Kissed a complete stranger?: haha yeah
Laughed so hard you cried?: hahaha yes all the time. with all of the homies.
Not been able to remember your night?: yayuh
Cheated on a bf/gf?: nope
Regretted hurting someone: yeah
Regretted loving someone?: yeah. i have actually.
Been SUPER happy? YES!
Is your phone right beside you? afirmative.
Do you miss someone? yes. right now.
Do you wish you were somewhere else? yeah. back at keeleys.
Do you have plans for tonight? yessss. chillin with my boyy.
Are you wearing makeup? yuup.
Are you wearing chapstick? nope i need some though.
Are you cold? no im actually super hot right now.
Are you tired? exhausted
Are you excited? no im really unenthusiastic right now haha
Are you watching t.v.? nope im about to though cause i have no life whatsoever and its a beautiful day.
Are you wearing pajamas? nope
Who's the last person you textMsgd? zak
Who's the last person that called you? mi madre

Recently done anything you regret? yeah
Ever lied? all the time.
Ever spit at someone? haha yeah
Ever kick something living? yup.
Ever trip over your own feet? everytime i walk hahaha
Ever had your nails done? no i really want to though. next formal dance i got to for surre.
Ever thrown up because you cried so hard? i think i have actually.

Have you cursed? of course
Have you yelled at someone? my mom
Have you gotten mad at someone? yeah cause i couldnt spend the night at keeleys. erghhh still mad.
Have you cried? no
Have you called more than 3 people? yeah
Have you msgd more than 3 people? yuup
Have you eaten anything gross? nope

And my responses now are:

From: Tron
Date: Jul 26, 2006 4:09 PM

A N S W E R - T R U T H F U L L Y
1. Do you like anyone? Myself. 
2. Do they know it?: I tell her every night. 
3. Simple or complicated?: Complicated. 

IN - T H E - L A S T - M O N T H - H A V E - Y O U
5. Bought something: Yes, new clothes! I was sick of the potato sacks i was wearing. 
6. Gotten sick?: No.
7. Been hugged? My mom hugs me. 
8. Felt stupid?: Same answer as five years ago. 
9. Talked to an ex?: Yes. 
10. Missed someone: Yes.
11. Failed a test: No. 
13. Danced: Same as five years ago. 
27. Snuck out?: I have no need to.
28. Sat and looked at the stars?: Yes. I am a romantic. 

29. Do you swear/curse? Every other word is fuck. 
30. Do you ever spit?: Too much chunky spit. 
31. You cook your own food?: Might as well call me "Gabby Childs."
32. You do your own clothes?: Yes. 
34. You like pepsi or coke?: I prefer Ginger Ale.  
35. You're happy with your hair life?: I haven't had any knots today.
37. You spend your money wisely?: I don't know why I said what I said five years ago. I absolutely do not spend my money wisely. I do not want to think about how much money I have spent on alcohol in the past five years. 
38. Do you like to swim?: I need flotation devices. 
39. When you get bored do you call a friend?: Or eat. 

D O - Y O U - P R E F E R'S
41. Flowers or angels?: 90% Angel, 10% Devil. 
42. Gray or black?: Red. 
43. Color or black and white photos?: Both. 
44. Lust or love?: Lust, always the clincher. 
45. Sunrise or sunset?: Pullman sunset, Sasquatch sunrise. 
46. M&Ms or Skittles?: M&Ms, Skittles always stick to my teeth, and I have weird smelling breath after eating a couple packs. 
48. Staying up late or waking up early?: I stay up way too late. 
49. Being hot or cold?: Lukewarm bathwater. 
50. Winter or Fall?: Winter. 
51. Left or right?: Right. 
52. Having 10 acquaintances or 2 best friends? I like having both. I have a lot of "acquaintances," which we all know means the people that you met while drinking and the people you can only hang out with while drinking. Therefore you contact them usually only when consuming beverages. 
53. Sunshine or rain?: Sun!
54. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream?: I'm a white girl, definitely. 

H A V E - Y O U - E V E R
Made out for more than 5 minutes?: My response five years ago is embarrassing. But yes, indeed I have. 
Slept in a bed of the opposite sex?: Yes. 
Hooked up in the woods?: Yes. 
Drank a bottle of alcohol by yourself?: Absolutely not, that's absurd. 
Been Dumped? Ha, yes. 
Stolen money from a friend?: That is quite rude. 
Slept naked?: Yes. Also, woken up naked. Always a nice kick start to the day. 
Been in a fist fight?: Yes. I boxed a girl. I also was in the middle of a gentleman's dispute outside of the bar. Throwin' bows.
Snuck out of your house?: Too many times to count. 
Had a crush on a teacher?: Lusted.
Seen someone die?: No.
Been on an airplane?: Yes.
Slept all day?: Basically.
Missed someone so much it hurt?: Yes.
Fallen asleep during school?: And drooled/been snoring. 
Been lonely?: I feel like I should insert a song clip. 
Cheated in a game? Yes. 
Been to the ER?: Yes. 
Been in a car accident?: Yes.
Had detention?: Yes.
Cried yourself to sleep?: Yes. 
Done something you told yourself you'd never do again?: Never try and finish a half gallon. 
Sung in the shower?: Ha, yes. 
Hooked up with more than 2 people in 1 weekend?: WHOMP WHOMP CHOMP CHOO CHOO. yeah. 
Kissed a complete stranger?: College, baby. 
Laughed so hard you cried?: Errday. 
Not been able to remember your night?: Not been able to remember who my roommates are. 
Cheated on a bf/gf?: No.
Regretted hurting someone: Yes.
Regretted loving someone?: I do not think I have ever been in love. 
Is your phone right beside you? Yes.
Do you miss someone? Right about now. 
Do you wish you were somewhere else? I am pretty content.  
Do you have plans for tonight? Mobbin' to get dinner with the fam. 
Are you wearing makeup? What's that?
Are you wearing chapstick? ^^
Are you cold? Lukewarm bathwater. 
Are you tired? Pooped. 
Are you excited? I am extremely melancholy. 
Are you watching t.v.? No.
Are you wearing pajamas? No.
Who's the last person you textMsgd? Jpro. 
Who's the last person that called you? Mommatron. 

Recently done anything you regret? Unbelievable amounts of regret. 
Ever lied? Yes. 
Ever spit at someone? Keep talkin' shit, wouldn't you know. 
Ever kick something living? Yes. 
Ever trip over your own feet? Drunk, sober, yes. 
Ever had your nails done? Just about the girliest thing I have ever done. 
Ever thrown up because you cried so hard? Drinking so hard. 

Have you cursed? FUCK FUCK FUCKKKK
Have you yelled at someone? Mom. 
Have you gotten mad at someone? Mom, for pointing out my pimple. 
Have you cried? No. 
Have you called more than 3 people? People call me, ya feel meh?>
Have you msgd more than 3 people? Yes. 
Have you eaten anything gross? Nothing is gross. 

5. Myspace Friend's Top 8, 16, 32, Etc, Etc: When you first start Myspace, you organize your friends in order in what is called a "Top 8." You basically rank your friends from number one to number eight. This caused a lot of drama, especially when switching around your "Top 8." Getting in a fight with a friend, move them down a few spaces. Then they would message you all pissed off "WHY THE FUCK DID YOU MOVE ME DOWN YOUR LIST!??!"

Then "Tom" (the creator of this atrocity of a website) started designing a new "Top 8" to increase the numbers so you could have ALL YOUR FUCKING BEST FRIENDS ON YOUR TOP 8.

Look at this fucker, Myspace "Scene Mirror Picture"

Now we had the ability to have "Top 16, Top 32, Top 4whatever." This is starting to get absolutely preposterous. In short, back in the day if you really wanted to start drama and piss off a friend, move them down the "Top 8" list, then take them off the list completely. This is a sure fire way to ignite any kind of uproar within a circle of friends, it makes for a very entertaining scenario.

In conclusion...

Myspace was the first social media website we really actually full on experienced when growing up (Unless you count "Xanga," what the fuck was the point of that website anyway?" Now we have Facebook and Twitter. TWEET TWEET TWEEEET. Tweet me, betch.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Reunited With "Old Friends," And Too Much Whiskey

Capitol Hill in Seattle is known for it's gay friendly area and lively nightlife scene. Over the past few weeks, I have been frequently inhabiting this area during my stay in Seattle during the Summertime. There are a couple of occasions that I would like to share with my fellow readers, that I find entertaining, and embarrassing.

Whiskey was my drink of choice. In fact, Whiskey has started to become a very close friend to my liver this Summer, so we're just going to keep going with that trend. I was at this gay bar called "Purr," which I thought was interesting because when I think of "purr," I think of pussy, which I thought was a lesbian bar. But it's actually a gay bar. I slide up to the bar with my friends and we begin ordering drinks. This mind you, was after we car barred (sp?) Just for a heads up, car barring is the act of drinking a lot of booze before entering a bar or party, etc etc. Basically like a pre-funk. Anyway, I drink way too much Montego Bay, which is possibly one of the worst rums ever...but I bought a half gallon of it. Waste not, want not! So back to the bar, we start ordering Whiskey drinks and we run into some people from school randomly, this was a Wednesday night I believe, and strike up some conversation. One of the fellows that they were with knew who I was from back when I was a stupid and drunk nugget (what has changed? Beats me.)

Man: "I remember you, Gabby. We met two years ago."
Gabby: "Funny, because I don't remember you. What's your name?"
Man: "You seriously don't remember me, Gabby?"
Gabby: "Nope! Did we hang out?"
Man: "Yeah...I kept tryin' to flirt with you. You don't remember?"
Gabby: "That was a long time ago...sorry?"
Man: "It's okay, we made out. Do you remember that?"


Well shit, now I just feel awkward. The guy is staring at me like I'm supposed to say something or finally remember that one drunk night but nothing is coming to mind. I sort of do a stupid dumb bitch giggle and walk away, dumbfounded and not really knowing what to do or say. So the obvious comes to mind.

Just keep drinking, just keep drinking, just keep drinking, what do we do we drink, drink, drink.

The guy walks over to his friends but he still is looking at me so I try and direct my attention towards my friends and now to this extremely drunk man that comes up and starts talking to us. He is slurring his words like none other and I drunkenly decide to strike up conversation because he is alone and wasted. He starts talking about how he's gay and straight and completely in the middle of both, and I go along with it, knowing that he was definitely more gay than straight, mainly because he kept talking about my friend's ass and how he likes guys with baby faces. And then he tried to go on about the straight part saying how much he liked my hair and chest, and then he kissed me. I didn't really know how to respond to that. So I bid him farewell, and we went to the next bar, a gay friendly place named R-Place. Also, that man tagged along with us, now that I was drunk and ready to listen to his story of how we met.

He told me the story, which I obviously forgot immediately, and we stroll up to R-Place. The name of this bar is very deceiving. I have been with friends and we meet new people at bars and ask if they want to go to R-Place and then people think that we are assuming to come back to OUR place. No you dirty bastard, the bar.     You think we're that easy? Pish posh you wild fuck. That's like these guys that my friend and I met at a bar called Linda's who were from South Carolina or some shit. One of them was real nice and liquored up and kind of had a Southern twang, he also kept saying how much he liked the rodeo. SO much in fact, that he pulled his shirt off and showed us his tattoo. Across this guy's fucking back is the illustration of a cowboy lassoing a cow or a bull or something ridiculous. Who gets a cowboy lassoing a cow across their shoulders? Christ.

Back to the night at R-Place, we end up grooving at the bar and it's actually a really fun spot. A bunch of gay men dancing the night away to really great music. I had a blast. And so did the man. I probably shouldn't have made out with him, stupid Whiskey, why do you always do this to me? Well, at least I remember one of the times we twisted tongues, 1/2. CHOO CHOO. 

Another occasion when I went to the Hill was maybe a Tuesday night with a group of good pals. We go to this bar called Cha Cha. It's actually not called Cha Cha, something else, but everyone calls it Cha Cha, and I like it. The ambiance contrast from first walking in, then going to the downstairs area is super different. The upstairs is really chill, like a calm dive bar, where there are normal people eating and casually having a few beers. You then proceed to walk downstairs into this very dim lighted area with lights strewn everywhere and kind of a Mexican bar sort of feel. The special tonight was Modelos, and of course Tequila shots. I grab a Modelo and sit down with my friends. They have a huge projector screen downstairs and they were showing David Bowe's "Labyrinth." What a fucking random movie to watch while drinking, right? More of our friends join up and I had now consumed a double Whiskey Sour with a shot of Whiskey on the side. One of my friends points to this guy in a gray suit and tells my other friend and I to go see if we can get him to buy us a drink. She's up for it, I'm a little hesitant, until I finally say what the fuck, and test da waterrss.

Gabby: "So, why are you wearing a suit?"
Suit Man: "Because I just got off work and I'm meeting friends."
My Friend: "You think you can try and pick up girls with a suit, eh?"
Suit Man: "No..that wasn't my intention at all."
My Friend: "I'm going to go get a drink..."

Gabby (who decides to stick around): "So what line of work are you in?"
Suit Man: "I'm in financing (our accounting, who knows at this point)"
Suit Man: "Do you know what Hedge Funds are?"
Gabby: "Yes!" (only hearing about them when Alien Orb Seeker would discuss them, when in reality having absolutely no idea what the fuck they are.)

Suit Man then proceeds to go on and on about Hedge Funds and yadididiyada and I stop paying attention, giving him the polite nod and smile that people do when they act like they are completely engaged and interested in a perfectly pointless conversation. I excuse myself and return to my friends and dish to them what just happened with Suit Man. We then move on to a different bar, more like a night club, and continue to drink more and more. We keep on hoppin' to other bars until we run into Suit Man and his posse, and we stroll on over to Havana night club. Unfortunately, they had a cover, and I had run out of dollaz. One of the posse members decided to buy everyone's cover. Nice move bucko. We all saunter in start dancing. It was 90's night, so the music was great. Suit Man and I hit the dance floor and start groovin'...except it was a different kind of groove. We were listening to some hip hop song, and he starts slow dancing with me, and he also says that we should both close our eyes because it makes it more sensual. I was so intoxicated that the room and lights were coming together in a whirl so closing my eyes was the last thing that I wanted to do. But I humored him, for a bit at least. We must have looked either incredibly wasted or in love. I'm not sure which one was worse at that point.

At the end of the night, he gave me his business card, and everyone went home, and we got a ride home with our friend's mom. Bless her little heart. Another win for a Capitol Hill Tuesday.

Side Note: French Men are not too shabby at "French Kissing."

Monday, July 18, 2011

Is Anyone Missing A Child? Gabby Gets Lost At The Baseball Game

Turning twenty one is the most important birthday a person will ever have. In my professional opinion at least. On this particular occasion that I will be discussing, is attending my two amigo's twenty first birthday duo celebration.

A few notes on twenty one runs. They are sloppy and atrocious. It is widely accepted in our drunken society to be completely obliterated on your birthday, therefore I am always game to celebrate. Some people on their twenty first have signs that they wear around their neck proclaiming that they just turned twenty one and eagerly insisting on anyone to buy them a shot so they can no longer stand and proceed to fall down an alley. People will write on the birthday sign saying how thankful they are that they made it to this glorious age and encouraging them to black out and to not die. Classy, yes.

Here is myself on my twenty first birthday with my birthday sign, one of the more "classy" photos. 

MOVING ON. So. In honor of celebrating a few friend's twenty first birthdays, they wanted to go to a Mariners game. I thought, what the hell, sounds like a good time, I'd love to celebrate. A few friends and I decided to day drink before the baseball game. Day drinking is never a good idea for anyone by the way. I went to a corner grocery and was looking for a cheap beverage since I am a college student and on a budget. I went immediately to the section where the forties were, also the Four Loko and Tilt section. They didn't have Tilt, so I decided to go with my liver, and check out Blast! by Colt 45. Sounded promising right? Worst idea ever. Not only did the drink taste like someone drank an eighteen rack of beer and burped directly into the can and sealed the bitch back up, but I felt like it was literally eating away at my insides. I would have opted for forties, but for some reason, I can't really get drunk off beer, and I always end up feeling bloated with quintuplets and gassssyyy. NOM.

A message about Four Loko, Tilt, and those other poisonous and cheap concoctions. STAY AWAY. I beg of you, please. Not only will you black out quickly, but you will have absolutely no control over your body. You could proceed to vomit all the colors of the rainbow, or just one big tar colored splooge. If you do find yourself low on funds and would like to get toasted, then go for it. Ten cuidado, ninos, you don't want to end up looking like this emerald jewel.

I fucking love Tara Reid. 

Some of the worst nights I have had were from Four Loko (before they took out the energy, damn.) One night, I had three Four Lokos, and came out of a black out while showing my friend our roof. You could have  imagined how surprised I was! Also, Four Loko power hours are another stupid idea. Allowing you to kill several Fours in the span of an hour or less. Whoever invented these is either a genius, or the devil. I still haven't decided. But after my trip to the ballpark, I'm going with the latter.

But alas, I continued to drink that strawberry watermelon arsenic. We proceeded to get onto a bus and ride down to the game. By this point, I felt as if my vision was going cross eyed. And I then started taking pictures on my phone of this obese women asleep with her mouth open which I thought was absolutely hilarious, then felt immediately bad afterwards. But I kept the picture anyway, because I am a prick.

We arrive at the game, this is when my memory starts to fade. We end up buying a few tickets from a scalper outside of the game and mosey our way through the sea of respectable, and probably all sober citizens. Something happens during the first few innings, although I'm not really sure what. But apparently I leave the group that we were with and I just start walking. God knows where, but I am walking like nobody's business. I come out of my blackout and discover that I am awkwardly following a large family group outside of the stadium. I'm not sure what in my right mind thought that this was a good idea, or that this was where I needed to go in my drunken state of mind. I must have looked like a lost mutt to them. But here I am, way far from where I should be, and completely alone.

I go into a drunken panic and try frantically to dial my friends, but not a soul is answering. I start crying because Colt 45 hates me, and my liver, and I am just about to dial my mother, when my friends appear out of the corner. I guess I had been gone for over an hour, shucks.

In short, do not drink those awful carbonated malt beverages. They may be $2.50, but they will burn your liver to a crisp, and rob any dignity that you may have had left.

Sexy, can I?

Next topic of discussion, Gabby goes to a gay bar.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

The Chronicles of the Moulin Rouge, Uncut and NC-17

It's the year 2009 (THANK YOU PCP), and my naive and alcoholic self signed a piece of paper over to a piece of shit chain-smoking rental agency to a little slice of paradise that would be named the "Moulin Rouge."

The original members of this gorgeous piece of property were as follows:

. Falcon/Zidler: A cheerful and suave man. He enjoys great movies and good tunes. He resided in the dungeon. I would get drunk and refer to him as "my little cashew." He has a heart two sizes two big, and really nice Jewish parents who made us latkes. Mazel tov!

. Ursula: Always smizing. She'll take your breath away with her beauty. She was the mother of the household, always taking care of all us drunks. Unless she happened to have one too many Jaeger bombs, and then proceeds to dive bomb into the laundry dryer.

. The Ranga: Ranga means ginger. She is our little gingersnap. Small but mighty, she won't hesitate to cut a bitch. Especially after excessive amounts of Tequila. I will love her till the day I die of alcohol poisoning.

. JJ: Quiet but deadly. I have known this girl the longest and let me just say, she is a wild one. Good taste in films, except for when we watched the Human Centipede together.

. Sweetheart: A gem to say the least. Also another one of those damn small cutes. You know, small and cute. Can drink like a fish and gig by herself. Who needs a man these days anyway? She has a special place in her heart for Sailor Jerry's Rum.

. Kavorka: One of the happiest people you will ever meet. Her smile could cure AIDS and her laugh would create world peace. She enjoys dancing like a majestic creature and ridiculous music. We call her Kavorka because she has a sexual aura about her that lures men into her mystical world, where do I sign up?

. Alien Orb Seeker: One of the most bizarre birds you shall ever meet. She enjoys steamed peas and rice for dinner, and likes to clean. A little slow in some departments, but make sure she doesn't drink too much. She may end up on the neighbors couch or losing a finger in a door.

Throughout the two years that I have lived in the MR, there have been people who have stayed with us for the summers or moved in and out. People that are relevant are as follows:

PCP: Sarcastic and crass. I love her like a fat kid loves cake. A loyal and faithful friend if on her good side, and good luck and find a shield to anyone she dislikes. Her passions run deep with beer and Top Chef. If you ever piss her off, buy the girl a thing of Kao Soi from Thai Ginger and she may forgive you.

MPussy: One of the greatest people you will ever meet. When she's not working in the fields, she is busy finding ridiculous things on YouTube or drinking enormous amounts of alcohol. Her skin is like skim milk, so make sure she's strapped with SPF100.

Reynolds Wrap: Like the aluminum foil. She has deep set eyes that bore into your soul. She has a flowing mane like Mufasa and enjoys Burnette's flavored Vodka, also very good with law enforcement.

Small Eye: I swear she has a small eye. It's what makes her so wise. She is also like the mother bear. And she is not afraid to tell you exactly what she thinks. The only girl I know who can make a boot cast look fashionable, even when falling down in a pile of mud. This girl screams class.

The Clincher: Only lived with us for a hot minute, but one of the craziest girls you will ever meet. Sometimes she will go shot for shot with Small Eye or drink an obscene amount of Tilts. One time she woke up in our backyard, I would be confused as well. Full of poise and sophistication, I'm proud to say she is my new roommate.

Now that I have given my readers a brief and colorful description of the people I am proud to associate myself with, onto some of the highlights that have happened over the past two disasterous years of my so called college career.

The Great Flood of Moulin
Funny story. It is a beautiful weekend in the Spring and we decide to drink. Surprised? Me either. Me, Kavorka, Ranga, Sweetheart, Alien Orb, and a few others that I obviously cannot remember, venture to a house party where we spot a keg. Ah yes, the keg. A beautiful invention. As if we couldn't get the alcohol down our little throats fast enough, we all started doing keg stands. After we all slither home like snakes, we finally reach our home. There is an enormous bucket of water to our left near the kitchen counters where we stored drinks from the night before. Ranga decides to be a smart cookie and playfully (or not) shoves me into the counter and I drunkenly fall, booty meat first, into the bucket. I try to get out of the bucket but just end up knocking the entire thing over. Long story short, the entire kitchen fills with water with me and Ranga sliding around like drunken elephant seals. That was a great mess to clean up in the morning. I would post a video of the aftermath of the Great Flood, but Ranga would probably rip out my clitoris. I also forgot to mention the fact that there was a woman there that I had never met before at our house whose first impression of us fucks were sliding around on the floor wasted. Also, I then proceeded to take off my clothes, which is when she decided to excuse herself from the awkward situation. You stay classy, G. 

1000 Tequila Jello Shots = Noone Knows What Happened Between 11PM and 12PM
A.K.A. Ranga's 21st Birthday. Her drink of choice is Tequila, so we decided to make 1000 Tequila Jello Shots for some stupid reason. Ursula and I were in charge of making the drinks, so being the great bartenders we are, we didn't measure exactly how much Tequila we were using in the batch. The party was Mexico themed for obvious reasons, and was a success. Probably the biggest fiesta we have had at the MR. Unfortunately, noone is really sure what happened. The shots were gone pretty quickly, and they were potent enough to black out an entire party. I woke up at 12PM in my bedroom unsure of what had happened over the course of two hours. I walk upstairs and discover that noone is in the room, except for Ursula receiving a lapdance in the big white chair from a boy. I asked Alien Orb and she has no idea. NOONE KNOWS WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN ELEVEN AND TWELVE.

Hello, Officer. 
The first weekend the members of the MR moved in. We hold our first party. Not knowing what to expect, also thinking that strobe lights and disco balls would be appropriate for a Tuesday night. It is a birthday party for JJ and my good friend, Eclair, not like the pastry. Not a whole bunch of people showed up, maybe thirty at the most. It is Summer time, so we are of course outside enjoying the beautiful weather. Then someone comes up with the idea to start shotgunning. Obviously we all agree that is a brilliant thought. Everyone is screaming and the Busch Light is flying and then I turn to my left and my drunk eyes see an enormous figure in black come strolling up to our back porch. I stand there and stare, not knowing who the fuck is approaching my property when I realize it is in fact, a gigantic policeman. I run, because I am a bitch. I start screaming like a madman that the Police were here and tell everyone to go upstairs. Some unfortunate folks are still outside and having to deal with the po pos. Alien Orb is screaming at me to calm down so she slaps me, probably a smart choice at my state of mind, and we start hurling bottles and cans into the bathtub. Three people get arrested. What a nice start to the two years ahead of us. Unfortunately, this is not the first time that a cop has been a guest at our house. Another time was at a party we had for Kavorka's 21st birthday, where nineteen year old Wrap chatted with the cops and we only received a warning. Cheers!

Homecoming 2010. The theme of the party we attended was Jersey. The parties are always fun, until someone makes the mistake of giving me a half gallon. Ranga, Alien, and myself stumble home to find Sweetheart and PCP doing homework and being normal human beings. Mind you, this is during the week. I'm not sure what entirely I was thinking, but I spotted Sweetheart being well, a sweetheart, and I scream at her, "I'M GOING TO THROW YOU OUT OF THIS HOUSE." I scoop that small cute up in my arms and try to throw her outside on the back porch. I obviously cannot see straight, let alone walk in a straight line, so we both take a tumble. Sadly enough, this happened on more than one occasion. I need to stop trying to kick out the people that pay rent in my house.

Gabby, Did You Just Break a Window? 
You betcha. The location is our house, obviously. Kavorka's 21st birthday where we serve purple "Jiggle Juice." Jiggle Juice is basically jello shots with a whole lotta Sprite or 7UP added to it. Our concoction looked like multiple yaked and shat in the tub. That night, anything was possible. A fat chunk of people arrived. The theme was hippie, everyone sported their gorgeous tie dyes and florals. All was fine until I somehow wind up in my room and then proceed to vomit Jiggle Juice all over my carpet. That purple stain was a doozy. I walk back upstairs where most of the people had left to take Kavorka to the bars and just a few stragglers were left behind. At this point, I am wearing my white tank top that just acquired a lovely purple tinge and pink lace panties. I am screaming and jumping up and down on the couch like a mad man right next to the door with glass panes. Then something happens and I elbow the door which immediately cracks and shards fly out. I thought that no one had seen, and I was right, no one had, according to a friend. Until I scream to everyone that I broke the window. So much for keeping it under wraps. I had to pay for a new window, 75 buckaroos. I guess that's the going rate for being a drunken buffoon.