Thursday, July 7, 2011

The Chronicles of the Moulin Rouge, Uncut and NC-17

It's the year 2009 (THANK YOU PCP), and my naive and alcoholic self signed a piece of paper over to a piece of shit chain-smoking rental agency to a little slice of paradise that would be named the "Moulin Rouge."

The original members of this gorgeous piece of property were as follows:

. Falcon/Zidler: A cheerful and suave man. He enjoys great movies and good tunes. He resided in the dungeon. I would get drunk and refer to him as "my little cashew." He has a heart two sizes two big, and really nice Jewish parents who made us latkes. Mazel tov!

. Ursula: Always smizing. She'll take your breath away with her beauty. She was the mother of the household, always taking care of all us drunks. Unless she happened to have one too many Jaeger bombs, and then proceeds to dive bomb into the laundry dryer.

. The Ranga: Ranga means ginger. She is our little gingersnap. Small but mighty, she won't hesitate to cut a bitch. Especially after excessive amounts of Tequila. I will love her till the day I die of alcohol poisoning.

. JJ: Quiet but deadly. I have known this girl the longest and let me just say, she is a wild one. Good taste in films, except for when we watched the Human Centipede together.

. Sweetheart: A gem to say the least. Also another one of those damn small cutes. You know, small and cute. Can drink like a fish and gig by herself. Who needs a man these days anyway? She has a special place in her heart for Sailor Jerry's Rum.

. Kavorka: One of the happiest people you will ever meet. Her smile could cure AIDS and her laugh would create world peace. She enjoys dancing like a majestic creature and ridiculous music. We call her Kavorka because she has a sexual aura about her that lures men into her mystical world, where do I sign up?

. Alien Orb Seeker: One of the most bizarre birds you shall ever meet. She enjoys steamed peas and rice for dinner, and likes to clean. A little slow in some departments, but make sure she doesn't drink too much. She may end up on the neighbors couch or losing a finger in a door.

Throughout the two years that I have lived in the MR, there have been people who have stayed with us for the summers or moved in and out. People that are relevant are as follows:

PCP: Sarcastic and crass. I love her like a fat kid loves cake. A loyal and faithful friend if on her good side, and good luck and find a shield to anyone she dislikes. Her passions run deep with beer and Top Chef. If you ever piss her off, buy the girl a thing of Kao Soi from Thai Ginger and she may forgive you.

MPussy: One of the greatest people you will ever meet. When she's not working in the fields, she is busy finding ridiculous things on YouTube or drinking enormous amounts of alcohol. Her skin is like skim milk, so make sure she's strapped with SPF100.

Reynolds Wrap: Like the aluminum foil. She has deep set eyes that bore into your soul. She has a flowing mane like Mufasa and enjoys Burnette's flavored Vodka, also very good with law enforcement.

Small Eye: I swear she has a small eye. It's what makes her so wise. She is also like the mother bear. And she is not afraid to tell you exactly what she thinks. The only girl I know who can make a boot cast look fashionable, even when falling down in a pile of mud. This girl screams class.

The Clincher: Only lived with us for a hot minute, but one of the craziest girls you will ever meet. Sometimes she will go shot for shot with Small Eye or drink an obscene amount of Tilts. One time she woke up in our backyard, I would be confused as well. Full of poise and sophistication, I'm proud to say she is my new roommate.

Now that I have given my readers a brief and colorful description of the people I am proud to associate myself with, onto some of the highlights that have happened over the past two disasterous years of my so called college career.

The Great Flood of Moulin
Funny story. It is a beautiful weekend in the Spring and we decide to drink. Surprised? Me either. Me, Kavorka, Ranga, Sweetheart, Alien Orb, and a few others that I obviously cannot remember, venture to a house party where we spot a keg. Ah yes, the keg. A beautiful invention. As if we couldn't get the alcohol down our little throats fast enough, we all started doing keg stands. After we all slither home like snakes, we finally reach our home. There is an enormous bucket of water to our left near the kitchen counters where we stored drinks from the night before. Ranga decides to be a smart cookie and playfully (or not) shoves me into the counter and I drunkenly fall, booty meat first, into the bucket. I try to get out of the bucket but just end up knocking the entire thing over. Long story short, the entire kitchen fills with water with me and Ranga sliding around like drunken elephant seals. That was a great mess to clean up in the morning. I would post a video of the aftermath of the Great Flood, but Ranga would probably rip out my clitoris. I also forgot to mention the fact that there was a woman there that I had never met before at our house whose first impression of us fucks were sliding around on the floor wasted. Also, I then proceeded to take off my clothes, which is when she decided to excuse herself from the awkward situation. You stay classy, G. 

1000 Tequila Jello Shots = Noone Knows What Happened Between 11PM and 12PM
A.K.A. Ranga's 21st Birthday. Her drink of choice is Tequila, so we decided to make 1000 Tequila Jello Shots for some stupid reason. Ursula and I were in charge of making the drinks, so being the great bartenders we are, we didn't measure exactly how much Tequila we were using in the batch. The party was Mexico themed for obvious reasons, and was a success. Probably the biggest fiesta we have had at the MR. Unfortunately, noone is really sure what happened. The shots were gone pretty quickly, and they were potent enough to black out an entire party. I woke up at 12PM in my bedroom unsure of what had happened over the course of two hours. I walk upstairs and discover that noone is in the room, except for Ursula receiving a lapdance in the big white chair from a boy. I asked Alien Orb and she has no idea. NOONE KNOWS WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN ELEVEN AND TWELVE.

Hello, Officer. 
The first weekend the members of the MR moved in. We hold our first party. Not knowing what to expect, also thinking that strobe lights and disco balls would be appropriate for a Tuesday night. It is a birthday party for JJ and my good friend, Eclair, not like the pastry. Not a whole bunch of people showed up, maybe thirty at the most. It is Summer time, so we are of course outside enjoying the beautiful weather. Then someone comes up with the idea to start shotgunning. Obviously we all agree that is a brilliant thought. Everyone is screaming and the Busch Light is flying and then I turn to my left and my drunk eyes see an enormous figure in black come strolling up to our back porch. I stand there and stare, not knowing who the fuck is approaching my property when I realize it is in fact, a gigantic policeman. I run, because I am a bitch. I start screaming like a madman that the Police were here and tell everyone to go upstairs. Some unfortunate folks are still outside and having to deal with the po pos. Alien Orb is screaming at me to calm down so she slaps me, probably a smart choice at my state of mind, and we start hurling bottles and cans into the bathtub. Three people get arrested. What a nice start to the two years ahead of us. Unfortunately, this is not the first time that a cop has been a guest at our house. Another time was at a party we had for Kavorka's 21st birthday, where nineteen year old Wrap chatted with the cops and we only received a warning. Cheers!

Homecoming 2010. The theme of the party we attended was Jersey. The parties are always fun, until someone makes the mistake of giving me a half gallon. Ranga, Alien, and myself stumble home to find Sweetheart and PCP doing homework and being normal human beings. Mind you, this is during the week. I'm not sure what entirely I was thinking, but I spotted Sweetheart being well, a sweetheart, and I scream at her, "I'M GOING TO THROW YOU OUT OF THIS HOUSE." I scoop that small cute up in my arms and try to throw her outside on the back porch. I obviously cannot see straight, let alone walk in a straight line, so we both take a tumble. Sadly enough, this happened on more than one occasion. I need to stop trying to kick out the people that pay rent in my house.

Gabby, Did You Just Break a Window? 
You betcha. The location is our house, obviously. Kavorka's 21st birthday where we serve purple "Jiggle Juice." Jiggle Juice is basically jello shots with a whole lotta Sprite or 7UP added to it. Our concoction looked like multiple yaked and shat in the tub. That night, anything was possible. A fat chunk of people arrived. The theme was hippie, everyone sported their gorgeous tie dyes and florals. All was fine until I somehow wind up in my room and then proceed to vomit Jiggle Juice all over my carpet. That purple stain was a doozy. I walk back upstairs where most of the people had left to take Kavorka to the bars and just a few stragglers were left behind. At this point, I am wearing my white tank top that just acquired a lovely purple tinge and pink lace panties. I am screaming and jumping up and down on the couch like a mad man right next to the door with glass panes. Then something happens and I elbow the door which immediately cracks and shards fly out. I thought that no one had seen, and I was right, no one had, according to a friend. Until I scream to everyone that I broke the window. So much for keeping it under wraps. I had to pay for a new window, 75 buckaroos. I guess that's the going rate for being a drunken buffoon.



  1. I am definitely about to do tequila jello shots for my big 22. Sounds like an excellent idea.

  2. I prefer vodka jello shots, but I see how tequila could make everyone blackout.

  3. Are the above people we actually know? Anyways, this blog post is actually 80% true unfortunately. Major errors? You moved into MR in 2009, Sosa and I were not doing hw the night you threw her out of the house. And you missed the part of the flood where a stranger walks in on you taking your wet clothes off

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  5. Not Who I Will Be: I highly recommend Tequila jello shots. They are quite effective. Also incredibly tasty. Use Lemon-Lime jello mix, the best!

  6. Shut your face Petey. You were definitely doing homework, I remember. Because you were not drinking. I will make the changes, as well as add I was not wearing clothes. Dick.

  7. I like how it's in all bold. I made a statement haha