Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Two Weeks Notice: Camel Toes, Chippendales, and Halloween Costumes

Don't give me any shit, I know that I haven't blogged in a hot minute. But due to nagging from friends and loyal readers, I have decided that two weeks has been long enough. The problem is, I get busy. And when I say that I get busy, I mean that I have been devoting many hours to watching One Tree Hill and eating enough carbs to help sustain a third world country.

If I can begin to recall the past two weeks, I can only update you on the highlights from the bloody massacre that I call my life.

Week One:
. 21 Run & Foam Fun - Decided to go out for a subtle wing night, which soon turned into a slop bowl after attending some 21 runs. Ended the night by taking the birthday lady to the Wednesday night foam fest. Inhaled too many bubbles, probably mixed with some bodily fluids. Delish.
. Pub Crawl - This was a disgusting event that involved a bunch of girls running amok around town to as many bars as possible. I consumed quite a bit of liquor, but I also brought a flask with me for good measure. I couldn't allow my buzz to cum down quite yet. We made it to a number of bars, so I say that we did a pretty swell job. One highlight includes sucking face with a gentleman in front of the hot dog stand (appropriate?) Pub crawls never end well.

Week Two: 
. THE FALCON HAS LANDED - He shook his tail feathers at the airport after docking on Thursday. Falcon, myself, and the Ranga snagged some din din. I ate the weight of my tits in BBQ pulled pork.
. We decide to throw a fiesta - Falcon bought the booze, that sneaky bird. We made Pink Panty Droppers, which incase you didn't know is a mix of beer, lemonade, and vodka. Who was the person that decided to invent this drink? I have no idea, but my liver threw up a white flag and surrendered at about 12AM. Up until the time where all goes black like my soul, there was a mix of dancing, arguments, and an appearance by a man who had the appearance of a Chippendales dancer. I woke up in my friend's bed with a different pair of pajamas on. Highlights include vomiting in a kitchen bowl, dancing with a Chippendale, and a gentleman running around with no underwear on. Bottoms up!

Something that I have been thinking about lately since it is unfortunately starting to creep up, Halloween costumes. To be completely honest, I'm not too keen on the holiday of Halloween. It either requires being creative or being a slut, both of which are questionable attributes in my life. Halloween used to be so much more fun when we were young and naive little nuggets. Trick or Treating was wonderful. I loved stuffing my overweight and flat assed self into a stereotypical and hideous costume.

Example One: Guess which one I am? Hint, I have a muffin top at the age of three and what appears to be an elongated camel toe.

If it was socially acceptable for college students to still go trick or treating, then I would absolutely be all for it. But now, I have to accept the inevitable change from binge eating too many Crunch bars, to binge drinking too much Montego Bay Rum. 

Now back to what I was saying about costumes. Halloween in college is the biggest holiday of the year. It gives every girl an excuse to dress up like an enormous whore and get blasted. Which is absolutely okay by me, unless you're one of those poor girls who try and squeeze all 300 pounds of your flesh into a costume made for chicks living on cocaine, and then vomiting everywhere from the combination of alcohol and too many tacos putting pressure on your already expanded stomach in a corset. 

Disclaimer ^^ : If this does happen to you and you do indeed consume too much booze and food and your costume is starting to implode like the blueberry girl in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, please read my earlier post that deals with unpredictable bloating and if you must resort to pushing out that bitch.  

Over the past three years, I have had a variety of Halloween costumes, ranging from the slutty to the down right what the fuck. Here is a brief overview, with pictures. 

Freshman Year: A porky maid at the age of eighteen. I lost my feather duster, but that didn't stop me from buying twenty dollars worth of McDonalds once I got back to my dorm. 

Sophomore Year: A candy striper. This was the most intoxicated Halloween I've experienced, clearly my eyes are almost cross-eyed in the above photo. The last thing I remember is vomiting at a fraternity and my friend peeking from underneath the bathroom stall to see if I am still alive. I leave the party at 11:30 once Falcon picked my cute ass up. He thought it would be funny to take pictures of me by the toilet. I also proceeded to vomit in my room in the only plastic bag near my bed, which happened to contain my pay check. I'm sure you can imagine the look of horror on the bank teller's face when I went to deposit a check flecked with red chunks. 

Junior Year: A Four Loko and a Ra-Freaky. A group of us dressed up as Four Lokos in memory of  them being altered to their non caffeinated state. We of course, drank too many Four Lokos, and then proceeded to remember why we stopped drinking the black outs in a can. Another fond night this year was when I decided to be Rafiki's alter ego, Ra-freaky, a crazy drunken sex driven baboon. My outfit as you can see, consisted of body paint, booty shorts, my spirit stick, and some penis blog drawn around my belly button. I "simba-d" a lot of people that night with my face paint, Tequila tends to give you that sort of inspiration. 

Since Halloween is on a god damn Monday this year, that means I need to have at least five different costumes. One for each night, Thursday through Monday. 

Here are my ideas so far:

1) A hot dog, preferably with some mustard or relish. Complete with a sign attached to my back proclaiming, "ASK ME ABOUT MY WEINNEERRRR!" Inspiration from the clip below. 

2) The Kool Aid Guy. Pretty self explanatory, I just get to run around in an oversized t-shirt with a jug of Kool Aid infused with too much vodka screaming, "OHHH YEAAAAHHHHHHHHHH."

3) A Mental Health Patient, with a bad case of Tourettes. I have a hospital gown and I already don't brush my hair, and my friends strongly believe I have Tourettes. If I get some the night I wear this beauty, I will never have to question my seduction skills again. 

4) Chunk, from the Goonies. If you have seen the Goonies, which I hope to god all of you fucks have seen  this classic, then you will know that Chunk has an appetite, and is known for being the klutz. Plus he gets to do the Truffle Shuffle, which I wouldn't mind doing after an inappropriate amount of jello shots. Jigga Jigga Jigga Jigga. 

So now all I need is a fifth costume and then I'm golden. Maybe I'll do a slutty one for kicks, or dress up as a Chippendale. I was also thinking maybe the possibility of an Amy Winehouse costume. After all, I just have to chain smoke, have a blackened bee hive hairdo, and be belligerently drunk in public. Sounds like I'm about halfway there already.  

What are you guys thinking about donning for Halloween? 

If you have any questions or discussion topics for me, don't hesitate to sling me an email or tweet me you fucks.
TWEEETTERRRR: tronaholic

P.S. I don't fucking understand Twitter, but I figure I better start getting more tech savvy.