Thursday, November 24, 2011

The Holiday Fupa, and My Doctor Thinks I Have Breast Implants

Happy Thanksgiving you turkey trotting, gravy gobbling, cranberry creaming readers!

Tis the season of obesity, and the abundance of the fupa, which I expect will make an appearance several times during the holidays. I picked the absolute worst time to go on a low carb diet considering every god damn piece of food is made up of carbohydrates. I'd like to lose twenty pounds before I dip to Vegas for Spring Break, but I've been saying that I've wanted to lose twenty pounds since I was a porker in the fifth grade and a pro at tetherball.

I feel like I've described the fupa several times in past entries, but for you rookies I'll do another quick overview. The FUPA is shortened for a FAT UPPER PUSSY AREA. I also like to think that you can have a FUBA, which is a FAT UPPER BACK AREA. The fupa is essentially the area above your vag that is enlarged usually due to obesity that tends to expand through yo pants. If you have a fupa you'll probably know about it, people will stare. The fuba is basically just a bunch o back fat, which is generally pretty fucking unflattering.

Or do you think anyone gives a shit about the dress/duvet cover she's wearing?

I decided to say fuck me in the ass to the whole diet crescendo during the holidays and allow for the turkey baster to penetrate me repeatedly while injecting stuffing into my ever growing fat cells.

Note: I do talk about being penetrated and raped a lot, it just seems to go fittingly with whatever I'm talking about. 

Also to commemorate Thanksgiving, November also marks the month of the infamous "No Shave November." Basically people decide to not shave for the month of November. I'm not really sure why people do this...but I joined in. Not because I intentionally wanted to participate in no shave, but because I'm a lazy piece of shit. And I'm not getting laid on a regular basis, so I feel no need to keep myself as bare as a two year old's bottom.

So since I am home for Thanksgiving break, my mother felt the need to do all of my dentist and doctor check-ups to keep me as healthy as possible. I guess I should take advantage of this luxury before I have to pay for my own health insurance (liver transplants are $300,000.)

Anyway, I head to the doctor for a check up. She's a pretty swell lady, we discussed my sleeping habits, alcohol and smoking habits, the usual. And I really thought that was all the check up was, then she pulled out the hospital gown and it was evident, I was going to get THAT kind of check up as well. Fuck. Not only do I absolutely fucking hate this part of the doctor's visit, but I was hairy fucking everywhere. I resembled Chewbacca's long lost cousin. I was sitting on the doctor's table in my adorable little gown, trying to hide my legs, and she told me to lie down for the breast exam. The thing that drives me crazy about both doctors and dentists is how they try and make small talk with you at the most awkward moments. At this point in time, while my doctor is feeling me up. I just try and look away and stare at the ceiling thinking about what I'm going to eat for lunch later.

Then she suddenly asks me, "Do you have implants?"
G: " And I think we talked about this last time I was here."
Doc: "Ohh! I'm sorry, you just have very firm breast tissue."
G: "I see, what the hell does that mean."
Doc: "It just means that they won't sag when you're older."

Well, I guess there is some hope for me. Even though they already sag. But I guess this means when I'm older they won't hang past my belly button.

After the awkward grope sesh with my doctor is over, it's time for her to examine my lower manhood. If her feeling up wasn't awful enough, this level of awkwardness just burst through the fucking roof. I have to put my feet on these metal stirrups and do the spread eagle. My legs are clenched together tighter than a re-stiched vagina. She orders me to relax and let my legs fall apart, I just want to cry. But before that, I apologize for my not shaving prior to our visit. I'm sure she's seen worse, and probably even bigger fupas.

I hope everyone else is having a wonderful, fupa-induced Thanksgiving holiday.

A few things that I'm thankful for worth noting:

1. Friends and Family - For keeping me alive and loving me through all my blunders and mishaps. Or at least doing a really great job at pretending they give a shit.

2. Food - You get me through the times when I am man-less. Or even when I do have a fellow. Cheers to you for contributing to my fupa, fuba, and sagging breasts.

3. Booze - You just may be the heart and soul contribution to this blog. Thanks for keeping my standards low and my tolerance high.

4. Chelsea Handler - For knowing that there are other women in this world who don't give a rat's ass about what people think about them. You are a diamond in pile of horse manure, and I plan on sending you my blog link once I hit a certain amount of followers.

What are you guys thankful for? If anything, be thankful for the FUPA for storing excess fat incase we get a little hungry. 

Twatter: tronaholic

Sunday, November 6, 2011

I Have Been Nominated For The BILF Award! Also, I Hit My Head On Something This Weekend.

Just a quick little post to distract me from endless hours of homework that I have procrastinated on this entire weekend.

The wonderful and classy Allie has decided under god knows what circumstances to honor me with the BILF award, the "Blogger I'd Like to Fuck." I am so surprised, I haven't even prepared a speech for this momentous occasion. 

This is the second award that I have received, and I decided that this one is going to be blogged about. Thank you Allie, for wanting to have sex with me. You're pretty fucking delightful. If you are ever in the area, we should probably get together. But for now, cybersex I guess will have to do. 

Here are some more sexy funny bloggers that I would just die of happiness if we could have cybersex JUST ONE FUCKING TIME. 

briLikethebear - You and I have probably the same exact type of humor, and that's why I fucking love your shit. Get at me brah, let the dirty sexting begin. 

Miss Sassy Pants - Well I know you in real life, but why the fuck haven't we boned yet? If you haven't read her shit, you're seriously missing out on this blog queen bee bitch. 

Kayleigh - This gorgeous female is wonderful. Her blog is so creative and full of great pictures. Plus she's hot, uhmmmm HELLO. I'm sold. 

KG - This girl has been reading my shit since day one along with that Allie beez. I have mad love for this woman, and I hope she knows that I'm crashing in her bed when I move to New York next year. 

ms.composure - Her page is always filled to da brim with these crazy and hilarious photos and videos that bring me immense pleasure. Plus her bod is bangin', sexy can I? 

So there you have it, some classy ladies that I'm tryin' to bone. Wish me luck. 

Weekend Highlights
. Bought at least five rounds of shots (I only work 5 hours a week)
. My roommate put me to bed in MY bedroom...I woke up in my roommates bed down the hall. 
. Also, I woke up with a bump the size of a ball sack on my forehead. 

Cheers to the freakin' weekend. 

Thursday, November 3, 2011

"Don't Punch Me Yet, Let Me Cover My Nose First"

Here we fucking go again. I feel like I always blog only on Thursdays. It's just such an appropriate day I  mean after all, it is the start to the weekend. I do need to stop delaying my posts though, it is now becumming a two week wait for new blog posts. My dear followers, please continuously prod my glutes with a beer bong (funnel end) to remind me to be a more frequent blog bitch.

I figured you would all want to know about the garbage heap that happened this past weekend, more commonly known as Halloween 2011. I know in my last blog entry I had a lot more creative costume choices, but my fundings were limited because I spend all my money funding my alcoholism and obesity. I tried to find a cheap hot dog costume, I promise. But without further adieu, lezzzzbehonest and begin an explicit breakdown of the freakend.

FRIDAY- Drop It Like It's Hot: The beginning of something slippery. Tonight I decided to dress up as "The Sun Drop Girl." If you do not know who this bonita apple bottom bitch is, observe below.

Drop it like it's hot, you cooter queen. 

I told you she's fucking fantastic.

I thought this outfit would be appropriate because it was as warm as the apple pie that Jason Biggs masturbated with. Also I could get belligerently intoxicated and have an excuse for dancing like a giraffe on ecstasy. The pre funk began around...8? We obviously took shots while getting ready. My roommates and myself mosey our asses to a fiesta. The party is in full swing. Naturally, I spot the cooler filled with drinks and the cases of beer so that is my first destination. The boy/bahtender offers me a beer. I politely decline and demand hard liquor. I myself am definitely more of a hard liquor kind of gal. I stand by the fact that "liquor is quicker," plus beer makes me bloat almost instantaneously like a fucking popcorn kernel. Moving right along. My roommates say adios and we part our ways and I wind up with my other pals and we decide to descend to the bars.
Several more shots later...we all end up in the bathroom and decide to cram five or six of us into one stall for some bizarre reason and take pictures. Then we grab random tricks from the bathroom and take group photos, gotta love spontaneity. The night ends with me droppin' it like it's hot all over the bar, and dancing with a few gentlemen. Now was it one or two that I had a romantic passionate Notebook style kiss with? My bestest friend in da worrrrrrrld and I decide that it is probably time to go home...but not until we get into a fist fight.

You see right hurrr, since Freshman year we always like to joke around and shove each other, but sometimes we start getting pissed off at each other where we actually fight like we mean it. Well, being drunk definitely has its perks. We decided to punch each other in the face since we have never done it before. GENIUS! She made sure that we didn't hit each other's noses though, because that would be just tragic. I think the gentleman who walked us home was a bit concerned with our friendship. We woke up with sore eyeball sacks and damaged dignities.

SATURDAY - Gabby gets lost, again: Three cheers for hangover round one! After filling my six pack of blubber with endless amounts of Dairy Queen and sitting on the couch for ten straight hours, I decide that it's going to be a Tequila kind of night. Mistake #1. For tonights costume, I wore a warrior princess costume. Not like fucking Xenia though. Everyone was making themselves look dead by splattering fake blood and shit on themselves so I decided what the fuck, might as well. So I was a dead warrior princess. We went to a house party and kicked it with Tiger Woods, then went to a frat. Being a senior and going to a frat is nothing like it was when I was a young lass. I felt like an old saggy ball sack. Everyone was a freshman or a sophomore and wearing next to nothing. I forgot Halloween is an excuse to wear a matching bra and panty set. After flopping away from the frat scene, we head to the bars and do the jitterbug for a bit. In the process, we run into one of my home gurls who was doing a ride-a-long with the police. I decided to pose for a picture with one of the officers (I have yet to see how that turns out) My friend and I, the lone rangers, go back to the bar and the next thing I know, she disappears.

This song is a classic anthem in my case

I am drunk. By myself. I do not no a soul here. So I decided that walking around the bar by myself would be the most logical solution. The bar being two levels, I thought that walking up and down the stairs would give me a chance to burn off a few of those amf drinks. I don't know why the fuck I thought that no one would take notice to a blood soaked warrior princess walking in circles by herself for twenty minutes, but it seemed brilliant at the time. Luckily, I ran into some friends and went back to their house...where I took more shots. Christ. After playing foosball for awhile...?!?! My gentleman friend trotted my black stallion behind back to the stables where we watched Disturbia and chatted about how wonderful we were.

SUNDAY - Food Coma: I decided to be a normal human being for once, and by normal human meaning I sat in the recliner while dining on the finer things in life, the Big Mac.

MONDAY - Batzilla: After a solid five hours of sleep, I was well rested and ready to celebrate the actual holiday of Halloweiner. Monday was by far the worst night, by worst I mean to give my condolences to my liver. I go with the Batman theme, obviously because black is slimming and I was still trying to digest the diseased cattle ranch forming a knot in my stomach. DTF was also Superman, so we were a hoot. I am going to coin us forever more as Trip D, the Dynamic Drunk Duo. Kind of like Triple A, except we don't assist anyone with anything. My other lovely roommates dressed up as Thing One, Thing Two, and Thing Three, but there was a bit of altering to the costumes. Replace "Thing" with "Drunk," and There was Drunk One, Two, and Three. Bloody fucking brilliant, ladies.

After more people came to our house, we had a nice and chunky group going so we flew like the wind to a few parties before hitting the bars. Some more intense gigging, and shots, I was the most intoxicated that I have been all weekend. Outside of the bar, I was having a conversation with myself about making the trek home because clearly, gravity is starting to pull you down town. I start talking to a gentleman, he who must not be named, only because I definitely do not know his name. I did however, sprint home in my Batman costume, cape and all, at four in the morning. Good thing they invented shortcuts.

No, I'm not fucking sorry for partying. 

So there you fucking have it my sexy followers, another successful weekend.

A little off the subject but not really because my alter ego is a six hundred pound woman, but I found this site gorgeous. Check out this picture.

Bacon Wrapped Burrito Log: A delightful little snack where you shove Taco Bell's Cheesy Double Beef Stuffed Burritos into a log of sausage which is then wrapped in a few layers of bacon. 

If you're not cumming over this concoction, we can't be friends. 

So, how was everyone else's Hallofreakend? Don't even think about not splooging the dirty details.

Tweet my twatty ass, or send me some porn/hate mail

Twatter: tronaholic