Monday, June 27, 2011

Who Ran For President Again?

I have a very extensive vocabulary. That probably isn't the right way to describe it, maybe more like tourettes. Because of this, I will be sharing my "Gabby-isms" with you all in case I drop a phrase and you are dumbfounded.

"Frim Fram Sauce" - I honestly have no idea how this little doozy came out. I was in a drunken stupor and came stumbling home to my house. There is a song called the "Frim Fram Sauce," by the Nat King Cole Trio, but I'm not sure as to why I said it to my roommates. Maybe I was trying to say I was saucy. They would probably disagree.

"Choo Choo!" - When someone insults another person, say choo choo. It is really quite simple. Also, feel free to make the semi truck driver whistle arm gesture pull. Extra points.

"Gucci" - Kind of like saying "Okay!" Just a good word substitute.

"Gouda, at least you're better than Cheddar" - When this little phrase came out, I was almost blacked out. Are you surprised? Basically, I was comparing cheeses with a gentleman who was trying to get on my roommate. I called him gouda, and said that he is better than cheddar cheese. But I really like cheddar so that was weird of me to say.

"Crickets" - When you say something awkward or try to be funny and no one laughs and just stares at you. Then you say crickets. My new ringtone is the sound of crickets in the wild, I think it's beautiful. Everyone else thinks I have issues.

"GET SOME" - Pretty self explanatory. Do not say this to random people though, I have gotten some weird looks.

"Toodaloo, Hymen" - Not sure how this one was originated. But I think it may have involved when I was discussing how I lost my virginity. Classy betch.

"Fagel Bagel" - Personal favorite. Apple Cup 2010 at Martin Stadium against the University of Washington. Some stupid fucks were drunk and yelling and I was drunk as a bum and meant to just call them a fag. But for some reason I wanted to incorporate bagel into the insult. Thus, Fagel Bagel was born. This is a fun one to throw around.

"Fuera Negra" - I literally translated "Black Out" on and that is what it came up with. I also did a Google Image of fuera negra and it came up with the following:

I wonder if this was before or after her "fuera negra."

I have done and said a lot of stupid shit in my life. As long as you learn from them, right? WRONG. Here is a compilation of five of the most preposterous things that I can think of that have happened to me. Unfortunately, my friends know more stories about me than I do.

1. The night I forgot who ran for president
I was drinking. heavily. And I went to a house party and met a man, lets call him Asparagus, Aspy for short. Aspy walks me home. Asks for a glass of water. We chat about political nonsense, always a great topic for the drunkies, and I decide to discuss the recent presidential election. I forgot about John McCain.
Note to self: Read up on current events. 

2. O.A. Overeaters Anonymous
Back when I resembled a female version of Chuy from Chelsea Lately, I had a couple of incidents where I would accidentally eat more than my belly could contain. When I was about three years old, I had a thing for Mcdonald's French Fries. I liked them so much that I would just swallow them whole. I would eat so many and then I would vomit and out would come french fry hair balls. That was just the beginning. One time when I was eight years old, I spent the night at my Grandpa's place. He had a swell crib so I enthusiastically said yes. I still remember the multiple courses that I chowed down on to this day, except breakfast, so we can skip that one. Lunch was at the Space Needle, consisting of a burger and fries. Pretty standard. Then about an hour later we go watch a Mariners game at the Kingdome (RIP). I decide that I need garlic fries (BEST CHOICE EVER) and a snow cone. The blue raspberry snow cone dripped all down my pot belly but I didn't mind, I still don't mind. About two hours after the game, we go home and make homemade pizza, I eat about two personal pizzas to myself. Don't forget dessert! Ice cream sundaes, extra fudge puhlease. I go to bed and watch some god awful TV show, get the spins from eating too much, and throw up everything. I've never seen such a beautiful arrangement of color.
Note to self: Have replaced over eating with drinking. 

3. Throwing fireworks at moving cars 
You would think that this would be an obvious one to not do. Fifteen and a freak, my friend and I had one flower ground bloom firework left and thought it would be fun to throw at a car. In short, the car ran over it while it was exploding and it started spinning. We ran for our lives. I did not run fast enough because I was wearing flip flops. The man got out of his car and chased me. He caught me. Screamed at me. Then I just felt like an idiot.
Note to self: Running shoes.

4. Having my stuff stolen for not sleeping with someone
So this one time I was drinking heavily, and my friend and I thought it would be a brilliant idea to go around screaming our address to people at a party, trying to start something at our house. We pretty much failed except for these two fucks that decided to come back home with us. He starts trying to hook up with me, proclaiming that my friend was having sex with his friend in which she was doing the exact opposite. My cricket conscience tells me that this is a bad idea. So I kick him out of my house, and then proceed to not remember much of the rest of the night. Next morning I wake up, and my laptop is missing. For the longest time I had no idea what happened or who took it. My roommates suggested that I drunkenly stashed it in some corner of our house. Not quite. I fill out a stolen property report with the police, a few months later I get a call with the name of the person who stole my laptop. You guessed it. That fucker. Moral of the story, apparently not putting out will cause your property to get stolen. 
Note to self: Buy a lock. 

5. Drinking too much without flotation devices.  
One summer, I decided to get really ripped on a bottle of Jagermeister on a little speed boat during Fourth of July weekend. I was with some friends, who also got equally destroyed. A little background on the situation, I don't know how to swim, period. I don't like water, it scares me. I have fears of drowning, I can't even float. But what I didn't think about during this situation was drinking excessively and being around a lake with people jumping off boats and such. Being so brilliant and all, I jumped off the boat and "swam" over to a gigantic intertube that people were hanging out in. I don't remember much after that. Except waking up, by myself, in a gigantic floaty filled with water. That was kind of stupid. 
Note to self: Never drink without water wings. 


Sunday, June 26, 2011

"Can You Teach Me The Importance Of Sobriety?"

Back again. And in typing to my non existent readers from a new location. I am home on the westside which is the bestside, aka Seattle, Washington. The home of Pearl Jam, Starbucks, and The Crab Pot. I had to move back to work, so I should be rollin in green paper here pretty soon. Get excited for new adventures that will be posted.

I would like to touch on a few things that I find interesting and you probably will not care about.

1. Windmills: I absolutely despise them. I do not know exactly what it is, but there is something fishy about them that just drives me bonkers and make me uncomfortable. Perhaps I don't like the repetitive motion of them, or maybe how they remind me of aliens. Maybe I am just scared of getting hit by one. I have to drive past them when coming to and fro from Pullmania and I usually have to look the other way. Do not question my fear of these, just accept it.

2. Cadberry Creme Eggs: They might as well call them kryptonite. If you have been blessed with the opportunity to eat one of these fifty cent delicacies, then you know exactly what I am preaching about. I dream about these delightful eggs. I used to munch on them, by myself, when I was a little nugget in preschool in the back of the classroom where nobody saw me. You bite into the top part and instantly your mouth is greeted by creamy sensation and you get to have the pleasant experience of swirling around the chocolate and the cream in your mouth. Take it from me, you can never have too many eggs.

3. The Human Centipede: Possibly the most fucked up movie I have ever been so blessed to watch. A twisted German doctor has a brilliant idea to make a human centipede. He captures three people, two American girl tourists (typical) and an Asian who cannot speak English. One of the girls tries to run away but fails miserably because she is an idiot, shocking. So the doctor decides to make her the middle piece which I didn't find too shabby until the end of the movie. He then proceeds to sew their mouths to the other persons ass and therefore, it will be a cycle. In short, it is very painful to watch. At the end of the movie, the front victim and the last victim die, so the stupid bitch in the middle is left. Whoever was the sick bastard that came up with the idea for this movie should be placed as the middle piece in the human centipede.

4. Victoria's Secret Fashion Show: This is just plain awful. A display on television of the world's most beautiful women strutting down a fatty runway with random artists serenading them in the background wearing barely nothing with gigantic wings strapped to their backs. Of course we are going to watch it, and then immediately regret ordering an extra large pizza to join you and your fat ass on the couch. Men love it for obvious reasons, we watch it so we have a reason to excuse ourselves to the bathroom. The only exception is Candice Swanepoel. Google Image.

5. Blogging: I find blogs kind of weird. Then I'm sure you're wondering why on earth I have one. Well for several reasons. My friends thought I should start one or write a book because I always have these ridiculous thoughts and phrases and they should go down in writing. I always like having a creative outlet, also anything that involves me sitting and not being active sounds pretty good to me. But back to blogging. It just seems kind of bizarre that I am sitting here and writing my thoughts on the internet for everyone to read. But oh well, enjoy. To all of my non existent readers.

6. Facebook Check-Ins: Are retarded. Who gives a fuck if you just checked in at Safeway?

On that note, I am done.

Random Sex Trivia: Just two mammals possess hymens, Humans and Horses.


Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Since When Did This Store Become a Fascist Regime?


Cheerio! After what, five months? Good god. I'm sorry fellow readers (yes, I know that you all give a flying fuck) but I have been delayed. For reasons, unknown. School was taking over my life at one point, but I can't blame that for my absence.

The funny thing is, I've been convincing my roommates that I've been having this secret blog that I've been writing in for quite some time and I will never give them the link or anything to the site. I think it's hilarious, they may beg to differ. Well now here I am, chipper as a damn clam, and ready to blog for the rest of my life because I have nothing else going on that is relevant.

I'll give you a little low down of what is going on in the life of the "Tron," yes that is my nickname. I sound like an autobot. Sorry. I have officially completed my Junior year at WSU and now I am currently residing in the vibrant Pullman, Washington, doing absolutely nothing. Attempting to find a job, but having no success. I'll let you know when that day suddenly changes...ALSO, I'm living in a new place. No longer the "Moulin Rouge," which was my other location that I was residing at for approximately two years of my damn life. That is another tale for another time, the story of the Rouge. Now, I am currently unpacking my pathetic life at the "Halfway House." We (my four other roommates) concluded that it would be appropriate to choose this name because it is halfway to rehab. Not sure if that is inspirational, or just plain depressing.

So onto more present day situations, tonight I had a rather intelligent discussion with fellow ex roommates and other peers about very touchy subjects such as Religion and Capital Punishment and Politics. I've always felt that personally those topics can bring a bit of a punch to the face. Either you completely agree with the fellow person you're talking to, or you end up feeling like a complete dick and worried you will end up with no eyeballs if you say something conflicting to their beliefs. But, I was relieved to say that this conversation was pretty tame and relaxed. Shocking.

I would also like to touch on the fact that we did talk about donuts for a bit too. Specifically how Maple bars are better than the Chocolate "maple" bars.


It's 2:26AM and I am inebriated.