Thursday, November 3, 2011

"Don't Punch Me Yet, Let Me Cover My Nose First"

Here we fucking go again. I feel like I always blog only on Thursdays. It's just such an appropriate day I  mean after all, it is the start to the weekend. I do need to stop delaying my posts though, it is now becumming a two week wait for new blog posts. My dear followers, please continuously prod my glutes with a beer bong (funnel end) to remind me to be a more frequent blog bitch.

I figured you would all want to know about the garbage heap that happened this past weekend, more commonly known as Halloween 2011. I know in my last blog entry I had a lot more creative costume choices, but my fundings were limited because I spend all my money funding my alcoholism and obesity. I tried to find a cheap hot dog costume, I promise. But without further adieu, lezzzzbehonest and begin an explicit breakdown of the freakend.

FRIDAY- Drop It Like It's Hot: The beginning of something slippery. Tonight I decided to dress up as "The Sun Drop Girl." If you do not know who this bonita apple bottom bitch is, observe below.

Drop it like it's hot, you cooter queen. 

I told you she's fucking fantastic.

I thought this outfit would be appropriate because it was as warm as the apple pie that Jason Biggs masturbated with. Also I could get belligerently intoxicated and have an excuse for dancing like a giraffe on ecstasy. The pre funk began around...8? We obviously took shots while getting ready. My roommates and myself mosey our asses to a fiesta. The party is in full swing. Naturally, I spot the cooler filled with drinks and the cases of beer so that is my first destination. The boy/bahtender offers me a beer. I politely decline and demand hard liquor. I myself am definitely more of a hard liquor kind of gal. I stand by the fact that "liquor is quicker," plus beer makes me bloat almost instantaneously like a fucking popcorn kernel. Moving right along. My roommates say adios and we part our ways and I wind up with my other pals and we decide to descend to the bars.
Several more shots later...we all end up in the bathroom and decide to cram five or six of us into one stall for some bizarre reason and take pictures. Then we grab random tricks from the bathroom and take group photos, gotta love spontaneity. The night ends with me droppin' it like it's hot all over the bar, and dancing with a few gentlemen. Now was it one or two that I had a romantic passionate Notebook style kiss with? My bestest friend in da worrrrrrrld and I decide that it is probably time to go home...but not until we get into a fist fight.

You see right hurrr, since Freshman year we always like to joke around and shove each other, but sometimes we start getting pissed off at each other where we actually fight like we mean it. Well, being drunk definitely has its perks. We decided to punch each other in the face since we have never done it before. GENIUS! She made sure that we didn't hit each other's noses though, because that would be just tragic. I think the gentleman who walked us home was a bit concerned with our friendship. We woke up with sore eyeball sacks and damaged dignities.

SATURDAY - Gabby gets lost, again: Three cheers for hangover round one! After filling my six pack of blubber with endless amounts of Dairy Queen and sitting on the couch for ten straight hours, I decide that it's going to be a Tequila kind of night. Mistake #1. For tonights costume, I wore a warrior princess costume. Not like fucking Xenia though. Everyone was making themselves look dead by splattering fake blood and shit on themselves so I decided what the fuck, might as well. So I was a dead warrior princess. We went to a house party and kicked it with Tiger Woods, then went to a frat. Being a senior and going to a frat is nothing like it was when I was a young lass. I felt like an old saggy ball sack. Everyone was a freshman or a sophomore and wearing next to nothing. I forgot Halloween is an excuse to wear a matching bra and panty set. After flopping away from the frat scene, we head to the bars and do the jitterbug for a bit. In the process, we run into one of my home gurls who was doing a ride-a-long with the police. I decided to pose for a picture with one of the officers (I have yet to see how that turns out) My friend and I, the lone rangers, go back to the bar and the next thing I know, she disappears.

This song is a classic anthem in my case

I am drunk. By myself. I do not no a soul here. So I decided that walking around the bar by myself would be the most logical solution. The bar being two levels, I thought that walking up and down the stairs would give me a chance to burn off a few of those amf drinks. I don't know why the fuck I thought that no one would take notice to a blood soaked warrior princess walking in circles by herself for twenty minutes, but it seemed brilliant at the time. Luckily, I ran into some friends and went back to their house...where I took more shots. Christ. After playing foosball for awhile...?!?! My gentleman friend trotted my black stallion behind back to the stables where we watched Disturbia and chatted about how wonderful we were.

SUNDAY - Food Coma: I decided to be a normal human being for once, and by normal human meaning I sat in the recliner while dining on the finer things in life, the Big Mac.

MONDAY - Batzilla: After a solid five hours of sleep, I was well rested and ready to celebrate the actual holiday of Halloweiner. Monday was by far the worst night, by worst I mean to give my condolences to my liver. I go with the Batman theme, obviously because black is slimming and I was still trying to digest the diseased cattle ranch forming a knot in my stomach. DTF was also Superman, so we were a hoot. I am going to coin us forever more as Trip D, the Dynamic Drunk Duo. Kind of like Triple A, except we don't assist anyone with anything. My other lovely roommates dressed up as Thing One, Thing Two, and Thing Three, but there was a bit of altering to the costumes. Replace "Thing" with "Drunk," and There was Drunk One, Two, and Three. Bloody fucking brilliant, ladies.

After more people came to our house, we had a nice and chunky group going so we flew like the wind to a few parties before hitting the bars. Some more intense gigging, and shots, I was the most intoxicated that I have been all weekend. Outside of the bar, I was having a conversation with myself about making the trek home because clearly, gravity is starting to pull you down town. I start talking to a gentleman, he who must not be named, only because I definitely do not know his name. I did however, sprint home in my Batman costume, cape and all, at four in the morning. Good thing they invented shortcuts.

No, I'm not fucking sorry for partying. 

So there you fucking have it my sexy followers, another successful weekend.

A little off the subject but not really because my alter ego is a six hundred pound woman, but I found this site gorgeous. Check out this picture.

Bacon Wrapped Burrito Log: A delightful little snack where you shove Taco Bell's Cheesy Double Beef Stuffed Burritos into a log of sausage which is then wrapped in a few layers of bacon. 

If you're not cumming over this concoction, we can't be friends. 

So, how was everyone else's Hallofreakend? Don't even think about not splooging the dirty details.

Tweet my twatty ass, or send me some porn/hate mail

Twatter: tronaholic


  1. Funny story.

    First time I ever saw the Sun Drop commercial I thought of you. I'd swear you guys are the same booty-shakin beez.

  2. I just found your blog.

    Sex. Alcohol. Sex and alcohol. Food. Batman.

    You're perfect <3

  3. MSP - Soulmates, obvi. Stop being a hater and text me every once and a while.

    Justin - I think you're perfect too. Wanna run away together and get eloped? Only if we can wear Batman and Robin costumes.

  4. I didn't know you know MSP in real life! We need to do some shots, because I think the two of you would be the best drinking buddies ever! So many epic stories. I've got a few good ones, but one of your blog entries pretty much outdoes all of my stories put together. Haha. Sad, but true. Glad you had an awesome Halloween weekend! (Btw, Braille? I see what you did there)



  5. SP - We have a really drunk relationship, it's really fantastic. Please cum and visit us, I promise you a weekend to never remember.