Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Millions of Peaches, Peaches For Me

Greetings fellow blog-aholics. It is 12:23AM and I really should be studying for my Cultural Artifacts Midterm Project but writing a post about my obsession and adoration for my Middle School crush sounded a lot more appealing.

I would like to give a disclaimer that I was even more bizarre in Middle School than probably any other time of my life. Hard to believe I know, but you'll soon come to realize that I am correct. 

The beginning of my disgusting love began in the 6th grade when said gentleman was in my Homeroom. I thought he was beautiful. I liked him for a bit, then moved onto a few other fellows. It happened again in 7th grade, but the real clincher was in the 8th grade where I began to keep a journal about my lovesick thoughts and dreams of our future together.

I thought I would post some pictures of the evidence before I dive into the exploits of my diary. This should give you an idea of what exactly we are working with here. 

Exhibit A: The Rebel Diary - notice the fuzzy/tacky black cover, you already know you're in for a treat. 

Exhibit B: The Inside Doodle Cover - I had a slight obsession with flying pink pigs when I was a young lass. Also, in the bottom left corner you can observe a direct quote from Ludacris's song "What's your Fantasy." Why was I so deranged?  

Exhibit C: A young and attractive girl named Gabby at the ripe age of 13  

Why won't anyone date me!?!?

P.S. What the fuck is "Sideout?" Cute flowers, betch. 

Now that we have covered the basics, let's move right along into the prime entries. I will be writing down, word for word, what I said 8 years ago. Please ignore the atrocious spelling and abbreviations. Whenever I mention my love's name, it will be Peaches. At school, my friends and I came up with code names for the boys that we had crushes on so we were able to talk about them as much as we wanted. Peaches, is the main subject of this post, but there was also "Mustard," "Ketchup," "Green Bean," "Snot Boy," etc etc. Don't ask me how we came up with these names, maybe we were hungry. I wouldn't be surprised. My face   looks like a chipmunk storing too much food for winter. 

April 7th, 2004

Im havin a P-A-R-T-A-Y on April 17! its gonna b da bomb! about 30-40 ppls r going! my lover "peaches" is join! not literally my lover i just have a MAJOR crush on him! he has the most gourgous eyes ever! OMG! i could just stare at him 4 hours... :) I even had a fantasy about him! (ok make that like 7 fantasies) each of them were in different places but the one that i remember the most was on the stonerific couch! He took my hand and led me downstairs to the couch. then i got on top of him and we started making out really hard (frenching) then i took off his shirt and ran my hands across his body (very smooth and hott) and then i guess he felt me up. I was in a tie tank top and a miniskirt and boots! talk about SEXAY! then i took of his jeans and he was shirtless with boxers on. then more stupid stuff happened but I'm way 2 lazy at the moment...So yeah anywayz spring break is pretty damn boring...so far at least...Well i better go cuz I'm getting kinda tired but i will update u with more of my "peachy" fantasies. 

As you can probably see, I not only was a horrific writer, but twisted, and way too horny as a 13 year old. 

I'm also willing to share with you fellow readers a song that I wrote about said Peaches. I used the song "American Pie," by Don McLean, but I imputed my special version, feel free to sing along!

1rst Verse: "A long long time ago, i can still remember how peaches use 2 make me smile. And i knew if i had my chance, then i would ask peaches 2 the dance. and maybe we would be happy for awhile. But november made me shiver, with all the m&ms i'd deliver. Bad news in front of me. OUCH! nicole just slapped me on the knee. I can't remember if i cried when i heard that he had lied. the day, peaches died" 

Chorus:  "So bye bye mr. peaches he died maybe gabby who's not that shabby will stop bein so shy. and good ol' girls were eaten fruitcake & pie singin this is the day peaches died....this is the day that peaches died." 

2nd Verse: "No do u believe in rock n roll and can the music save your pathetic soul, could you teach me how to dance super slow? Probably not but ANYWAYZ! WEll i kno that ur in luv wit her cauz she asked u "do u wanna make out? and u said sure!" You both threw off your clothes, now i think i have a stuffy nose. I was a funny girl who never got laid, with a chicken in one hand and an escalade, but i still knew they were in the shade the day, peaches died....i was singing, he was singin!

Chorus Repeat!

3rd Verse: Then i met a boy who played guitar and he offered me a cuban cigar...i just smiled and turned away. i walked down to the coffee shop, thats where me and peaches did the bop, but the owner said the jukebox wouldn't play....and in the streets i stood and screamed, no one paid attention as it seemed, No one in the town talked, i am now missing my purple and yellow sock. And the 3 girls that i admired most, dump truck, hot-wire, and Sydney the toast, they caught the last plane for the coast, the day..peaches died...and they were singing!

Final Chorus

Unfortunately, the "Peaches" saga came to an end after your typical Middle School drama went down and he dated other girls while I would stand in the background in my Sideline sweatshirt and watch helplessly. Once that happened, I documented it at the back page of my diary writing an official declaration of my broken heart from the agony and heartbreak of loving "Peaches."

Maybe if I had sung him the "Peaches Song," this tale would have ended differently.

So now that we have officially established that I am absolutely psychotic, feel free to poke fun at my flat ass as much as you want.

Anyone else have any heart wrenching love tales involving obsession and bad clothing decisions from their glory days? 


  1. my gosh!! reading this left me smiling like a fool on the outside and feeling this odd pang on the inside. i wish i hadn't thrown out all my journals as a young'un. but post break-up to my first love (and possibly hugest mistake in life) i just wanted nothing of my old lives hanging around and so i just triple-knotted them in a trashbag and flung them all out. i do remember having vague recollections of writing longlong sappy emotional crap about my biggest-crush-way-back-then i nicknamed "vamp" (because i was convinced he was secretly a teenaged boy vampire -- don't ask! HAHA) and i think those entries might've even be my best written works, ever but too bad they're all gone and rotting in some junkyard somewhere now. :((((

    but COOL JOURNAL and i seriously mean that. i love the (tacky) fur and fire ;)

  2. That's a really cool journal!

    I used to love pouring my emotions and doodles into my diary when I was younger. It still remains a secret though. Even though I look back on it now and it seems really different to who I am now, I still couldn't show anyone... I used to think about how I would one day burn it in a fire, or if someone found it, change my name and skip the country...

    It had it's fair share of obsessive teenage 'love' and really dodgy dreams and even this song I made up called 'teenage scum'. Is it weird that I still get that song in my head these days???

    It's amazing how we change, and it's really interesting to have a journal to see how we once were.

  3. LOVING your blog!! and the title is def my fav! LoL

  4. m: Ha! Vamp sounds like a promising nickname. I'm surprised that I have kept so many of my journals throughout the years, they get exponentially worse the more I read. It's a nice reminder of why I've been single for years hahaha.

    Heart: I completely agree, it's crazy to look back and see how much you've changed over the course of say 5 years. I've noticed that my grammar has gotten a lot better so that's always wonderful. P.S. I really would love to hear "Teenage Scum," maybe we should do a collaboration? :)

    ms.composure: Thanks girl! Always appreciate the love. I just read your blog too, I really like the iPhone texts haha. Gotta love autocorrect.

  5. This makes me want to go back and read my "diaries". You might've inspired me to go look for them.

    You were hilarious as a 13 year old! If I wasn't such an evil bitch back then, I'd say we should've been friends!

  6. flat ass?? I won't believe that until I have some evidence!!

    And that was some VERY interesting stuff u wrote as well

  7. Etizel - I know her in real life. She does have a flat ass.

  8. Gabby that picture of you is fabulous. It's right up there with your actual blog picture (how are you so photogenic?!?!?!) When I was in middle school I had a crush on this guy and it was kind of in that creeper sense but without realizing it. Like I always wanted to wear his watch and talk to him and stuff. And then there was a school dance that we were both at and I was asked if he wanted to go to a movie (like a date) and he was like yeah we should get *enter random bitches and hoes* and go that'd be awesome! Ohmygod I was so heartbroken. And I wrote all about it in my journal. But I look back on that now and realize that that kid was definitely not gay

  9. KG: You should, it's really amusing, and makes you wonder how you ever had people that associated themselves with you during your awkward stages. God bless them.

    Etizel: Thanks bud, I try to be as interesting as possible. My diaries have some pretty good material hahaha.

    Miss Sassy Pants: Get your sassy ass off my blog.

    The Viking Bear Beserker: You know how photogenic I am, it's my trademark. We should do a journal swap sometime homie. School dances are the worst, why were they always such a big fucking deal?

  10. Matt: Thanks for the love homie! Always appreciated. Also, we need to booze this weekend.