Thursday, September 29, 2011

Nugget Porn and "The Accidental Slip"

First of all, I'd like to thank all my followers and readers for taking the time out of their day to read my disgusting piece of a blog. Your comments are wonderful, and are what keep me going. So again, gracias, you fucks. I love the support. Mad love.

Also, I am supposed to give a shout out to one of my roommates because he is quite upset with me that I have not yet mentioned him on the blog. We shall call him, DTF. I've known him for two years, and throughout our friendship, have gotten into way too many drunk mishaps. He's one of my few friends who can dance like no tomorrow and has the heart of a teddy bear, unless you try to kick him out of the cage at the bar. Mistake my friends, mistake.

Another shout out to mah boy Falcon. He will be gracing us with his sexy cashew presence in approximately 15 days. We will be hosting a party, although the theme is undecided, but he volunteered to buy the booze. Obvi who could say no to that?

I know that I already discussed the "Morning After Awkwardness" in a previous post, Read About This Shit Hurr, but if you are coherent enough to remember the "smooshing" from the night before, I'd like to take a few minutes out of your busy life to discuss weird little things that could occur during said "smooshing."
Side Note: If you don't know what "smooshing" is, please watch Jersey Shore, you will not be disappointed at the pure class of these people.

The Queaf: Every woman's sex life nightmare. It happened to me ONCE. I promise, once. I think it was once...I hope it was once. Anyway, if you don't know what a queaf is, please just Google it. I don't want to take the time to describe a disgusting, bellowing sound similar to King Kong erupting out of your kumquat. If this happens, just try to laugh it off, I guess. There's really nothing you can do to try and cover up a queaf. Unless the gentleman you are with is too intoxicated to notice, or you scream (in pleasure?) at just the nick of time when that bitch burps. That's probably what I would do.

Trynna Catch Me Talkin' Dirty: It's your typical Friday or Saturday night, and you've shacked up with a certified dime piece. Shit starts to get hot and heavy, until the "dime piece" you're with says something completely preposterous like "Call me daddy, CAALLL MEEE DADDDDYYY." First of all, why do I need to call you "daddy," do I have "daddy complex" problems stamped across my forehead? I think not. Now I don't mind a few words thrown about here and there, but if you're going to devote the entire time of us fooling around to you reciting some ridiculous bullshit you read in a book, think again buster. And you think girls can't get Whiskey dick, ha.

Switch That Shit Up: Let's face it, different positions are great. Do you really think that I want to lie here for twenty minutes like a beached whale while you pump me like a Texaco? Nah, let's switch that shit up. The only problem here is when that switch up goes horribly wrong, and being wasted and trying to be kinky and experimental can end up in some uncomfortable scenarios. It's the worst when you're with someone and every two seconds they're trying to nail you in fifteen different positions. Legs are flying everywhere, and being drunk you're probably going to get an elbow to the face. I feel like a fucking pancake being flipped one too many times.

The "Accidental" Slip: About 85% of the time, I think that it's not accidental at all when a gentleman misses your kumquat. I think I can speak for a good majority of women for being victims of the "accidental slip," when your body goes from pleasure, to utter shock and confusion, talk about a clit stomp. But, I'm being biased because I'm not a big fan of "Sweeping the Chimney," so cheers if you are!

The Grand Finale: So, you have "cum" to the end of your journey, whether it was good or bad, it's over. Now unless you have a boyfriend, I hope you all are not being fools, and wrappin' yo tools, because god knows we need more fucking people in the world, with everyone breeding like fucking rabbits. Some men will have a standing ovation in the wrapper, and some will take it off with great pride and sprinkle their mildew wherever they may please. One finale that I would like to touch up on that I find absolutely hilarious, is the one and only "Simba." When a man "simbas" you, he explodes his "cupid's gravy" on your face, and with a single thumb, drags it across your forehead and mumbles, "simba." If you have seen the "Lion King," then you know what I'm talking about when Rafikki does it to baby Simba. Personally, I find this move wonderful, although degrading, you gotta give props to the person who decided to incorporate Disney movies with semen.

Check out this website: http://www.dirtyslang.com/
Some truly interesting names for breasts and cunnilingus.

Onto the next, on on to the next quick topic of discussion: Nugget Porn
The holy fucking grail of porn, and I am determined to either find it, or direct the first film. Basically, it's two people who have lost both of their legs and arms, and have sex with each other. Essentially looking like little chicken nuggets. The images going through my head right now are mind boggling, I know I'm not the only person who would watch this. I think it's the golden ticket for the porn industry, and I will be the first one to discover it.




I'm hungry.



Weekend Highlights:
. Thought I only had two rounds at the bar, turns out I had four
. DTF gig so hard he twisted his ankle at 9:30 P.M.
. Too much vomit, explosive
. I don't remember the weekend

9 comments:

  1. Gabs, you are amazing in every sense of the word. Hi-fucking-larious.

    Also, I wonder if we can make simba-ing the new planking.

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  2. I was reading this and "I just had sex" came on Pandora. Did I mention I'm at work right now?

    If my bosses ever decides to look at my web history I may be fired.

    Love it. Probably your best post so far.

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  4. Allie: Thanks alley cat, you're one of my favs. I think that simba-ing would catch on quick like the clap. Should we make it happen? Probs. Maybe shirts would be a good way to get started.

    MSP: Stop working and start drinking, with me. But thanks boo, you're probably the cat's pajamas. On the queafing note, I was going to title it "Mz. New Queafy," or "Mz. Queaf A lot." But, I decided that I don't want people associating me as a perma queafer.

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  5. hilarious hahah funny but ohh too true!

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  6. The first time i heard about simba-ing, i nearly pissed my pants.

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  7. while hes pumping me like texaco. i said it earlier. but this is the best thing ever.

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  8. cocochanell329: Gracias! I don't beat around the pussy bush.

    Kayleigh: Right!? I'm surprised they don't have a Rafikki move yet.

    kt_leduc: People lemme tell you bout my best frrrrieennddd.

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  9. Gabba gabba, write another post dude. After the party tonight probs. Also, YAY the falcon has landed

    Love, PCP

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