Monday, September 19, 2011

The Pros and the Cons of My Existence (Perspectives From Brutally Honest Friends)


I decided to write a quick little post about the perks of knowing me. My friends created a Venn Diagram of the pros and the cons (multiple) of my existence. These are the ideas of The Ranga, PCP, and Buffaluffagus. I have not introduced the Buff yet, but the important things you must know is that she gigs like nobody's business and hates not receiving mass texts.

Now without further delay, here is this gorgeous list. I will understand if you want to stop reading my blog.

1. Cuddling - PCP thinks I am the best cuddle buddy ever, probably due to the comfort of my fat rolls and baby soft arm hair
2. TITTIES - This is actually underlined and in all caps. I do have large mammary glands, but big melons are not necessarily a good thing. Every shirt I own makes me look like a whore (besides my muscle tees), and gravity has been yanking those puppies down to Chinatown. By the time I'm thirty, they'll be past my belly button. Pro about big tits, you can slap a bitch.
3. Social Chair - Back when I lived in the Moulin Rouge, every member of the household had a position. I was the Social Chair because I knew about a lot of parties, and I know a lot of people. Well, more like a lot of people know me, I never remember anyone because my brain has shrunk to the size of a Cheerio.
4. Musical Genius - One of the nicest things my friends said. I have played guitar for almost ten years, and can also play the Bass and Drums. Only thing I'm missing is the singing, probably for everybody's benefit.
5. Gabby Childs - I enjoy cooking, and one of my top movies is Julie and Julia. I am Gabby Childs, Julia's long lost daughter.
6. Loyalty - I'm a loyal friend. If you fuck with my friends, I will rape you repeatedly with an ax.
7. Speaks her Mind - Clearly, just read my fucking blog.

Plain and simple, these are both good and bad things about my lifestyle.
1. LEGS - Pro: My friends think I have nice legs, I got it from mah momma. Con: When I get drunk, I lose all strength in my legs, therefore becoming a paraplegic. I will wake up with a bruise the size of Pangea. My mom thinks I'm anemic, I think I drink too much.
2. Porn <3 - Pro: Porn is everyone's secret love. My love is not that secret. I recommend Redtube. Con: Will interfere with school work.
3. Drinking Capabilities - Pro: I can outdrink a lot of people, and it's amazing that I am still standing after six years of liver abuse. Con: My drinking capabilities has also created problems such as trying to fight people or falling in ditches.
4. No Swimming Ability - Pro: I'm hoping that my non existent swimming ability will snag me a hot man who will see my blubber butt sinking faster than the Titanic and save me. Con: Obvious reasons that I could drown or be eaten by a shark.
5. Will Fuck Women - Pro: I hate labels. My mentality is have sex with whoever you want, if you're horny, you're fucking horny. Besides, women are gorgeous, and don't just pump you three times and leave. Con: I don't believe there is a con, but The Ranga does. She's a rude girl.
6. The Bad Girls Club - Pro: If you have not heard of this delightful show, I suggest watching it immediately. The best season was the fifth. I've been told to audition for that, or the Real World. I think both would be poor choices. Con: The show is extremely trashy, but I think that's a pro.

This is easily one of the best scenes from BGC. Falling down stairs when you're wasted hurts, trust me. 

1. Worms World Party (WWP) - This is one of the greatest computer games of all time, besides Putt-Putt Saves the Zoo. Basically, you create a team of worms. You make up the name of the team, as well as the names of each individual worm. Then, you can chose your team's flag, their tombstone, their theme song, weapons of choice, and you can even give your worms and accent (my personal favorite is the "Smooth Babes") You battle the computer's worm team, or play multi-player. The goal of the game is to destroy the other team, obviously. Everyone thinks this is a con, but I think it's one of God's gifts to my hard drive. Here's a clip so you know exactly what you're missing out on. 

My favorite weapons to use against my enemies: 
1:11 - Super Sheep, 2:01 - Sheep Strike, 2:28 - The Concrete Donkey 

2. Sand Dollar Nips - I have weirdly large nipples, my friends say they are as big as sand dollars. No nipple rings for this bitch, con con con. 
3. Rude Girl - I'm pretty blatantly rude to everyone. It's something I need to work on I know, but I think it adds to my charm and appeal. I'm sure my friends will disagree with this statement, particularly because PCP constantly threatens our friendship every time I make a snide remark.  
4. Eating Habits - If you read one of my earlier posts titled "Who Ran For President Again?" I describe my eating habits when I was a kid. I may not binge eat as much as I did when I was a tubby little eight year old, but I am a sloppy eater. I chew with my mouth open, talk while eating, and usually get half of my meal on my face or in my hair. This probably explains why I haven't been on a dinner date in years. 

Freshman year of High School - everything makes sense now

5. Small Bladder - Okay I will admit it, I have peed my pants while severely intoxicated. Two years ago, my friend found me passed out next to a jeep and took me home. I was then put on the couch while my drunk roommates were still awake. Ursula discovered that I had pissed the couch and I was promptly taken to the bathroom immediately by Sweetheart and Ranga. I started vomiting excessively into the porcelain goddess. Happy Sophomore year!
6. Downy Faces - I can morph my face into some bizarre positions. One of my personal favorites since High School is doing "In-Motion" pictures. Essentially, you relax your face and shake excessively back and forth, allowing your face fat flab to fly and shake. Disclaimer, the sounds from your cheek fat flapping is really gross and sounds like fat people having sex. 

Sophomore year of High School - still single

7. Noises - My friends think I have Tourette's, I think they're probably right.

Alyssa's clearly having a bad day. 

Anyone still want to be friends with me? That's what I thought, crickets.

What are your quirks that make you "special?" Got any weird habits? Let's hear 'em!

Weekend Highlights
. Family Night, resulting in too much Jaegermeister
. Being kicked out of the bar
. Waking up in my dress
. Helping to clean my friend's room so she could get it in (worked like a charm) 


  1. Thanks again boo. Idk if I hate the dude comments or the way you eat more.

  2. MR: The dude/rude comments are also pretty bad. Also, I deleted your phone number. I think it's for the best.

  3. loving the clip from BGC! i have had so many gal friend bite the dust after a long night of partying and drinking

  4. did NOT know you were musically talented... that's pretty freaking cool! And speaking your mind is a fairly good way to go!

  5. ms.composure: Thanks! I absolutely love BGC, it's one of my favorite moments from that show. Yeah, I've had friends, myself included, who fall or god knows what after a night of partying. That's why I've tried to stay away from heels haha.

    Etizel: You betcha, played guitar for days. Thanks homes :)

    kt_leduc: obvi you sassy betch.

  6. Okay, so I'm brand-new to this blog (found you from 20SB) but this post has me hooked. I love your writing style! Freaking hilarious! I think my favorite line was the threat of imminent rape with an ax.

    New follower.


  7. Shane Pilgrim: Welcome to the exploits of my disgusting life! Thanks for the love, I really appreciate it. Also, the rape with the ax will obviously be with the sharp end :) Checking out your blog now!

  8. and the 'will sleep with women' as a con... i declare BULLSHIT on that statement!

  9. Oh my God.. I have been looking for that video for YEARS. I publicly quote sweet Alyssa from time to time and more often than not, people have no clue what the fuck I am referring to.

    My friend and I have this amazing habit of stealing things. I am not talking about shoplifting (although my friend does do that) but like the really cute s&p shakers at a restaurant table, a cute small side plate, or a misplaced roster-shaped mailbox that I found after a huge storm. My ultimate goal in life is to steal a lawn gnome. Oh, and to not get arrested.

  10. Etizel: Sleeping with women is the biggest pro in my book.

    Nikki Jo: Alyssa makes my world go round. 'YOU'RE BEING CARELESS, GRANDMAAA." She's such a dime piece. I'd feel bad with her for the whole Tourette's syndrome thing, but she's kind of a bitch hahaha. I feel you about stealing things though. Not like in a weird klepto habit, but I like to collect cool and random things too. Don't get arrested, I'm short on dollaz so I can't bail you out girl.

  11. I have an obsession with bad girls club. I've been told i need to audition for it, and all my friends agree that i would get on it. My boyfriend however would kill me, and there have already been two girls from my town on the show. They don't need a third, and if they do get one, it wont be me. ;-p

  12. what's your fave thing to watch on Redtube? Or is it whatever happens to tickle your fancy at the time?

  13. Big tits pro: Less double whiskey sours you have to buy for yourself.

  14. Kayleigh: Wanna audition together? That way, if we both make it, we can have a buddy system. Bloggers who booze together, stay together.

    Etizel: That's debatable, it entirely depends on my level of horniness, obvi.

    Sexless C: PRO PRO PRO! You already know what's up.