Monday, June 27, 2011

Who Ran For President Again?

I have a very extensive vocabulary. That probably isn't the right way to describe it, maybe more like tourettes. Because of this, I will be sharing my "Gabby-isms" with you all in case I drop a phrase and you are dumbfounded.

"Frim Fram Sauce" - I honestly have no idea how this little doozy came out. I was in a drunken stupor and came stumbling home to my house. There is a song called the "Frim Fram Sauce," by the Nat King Cole Trio, but I'm not sure as to why I said it to my roommates. Maybe I was trying to say I was saucy. They would probably disagree.

"Choo Choo!" - When someone insults another person, say choo choo. It is really quite simple. Also, feel free to make the semi truck driver whistle arm gesture pull. Extra points.

"Gucci" - Kind of like saying "Okay!" Just a good word substitute.

"Gouda, at least you're better than Cheddar" - When this little phrase came out, I was almost blacked out. Are you surprised? Basically, I was comparing cheeses with a gentleman who was trying to get on my roommate. I called him gouda, and said that he is better than cheddar cheese. But I really like cheddar so that was weird of me to say.

"Crickets" - When you say something awkward or try to be funny and no one laughs and just stares at you. Then you say crickets. My new ringtone is the sound of crickets in the wild, I think it's beautiful. Everyone else thinks I have issues.

"GET SOME" - Pretty self explanatory. Do not say this to random people though, I have gotten some weird looks.

"Toodaloo, Hymen" - Not sure how this one was originated. But I think it may have involved when I was discussing how I lost my virginity. Classy betch.

"Fagel Bagel" - Personal favorite. Apple Cup 2010 at Martin Stadium against the University of Washington. Some stupid fucks were drunk and yelling and I was drunk as a bum and meant to just call them a fag. But for some reason I wanted to incorporate bagel into the insult. Thus, Fagel Bagel was born. This is a fun one to throw around.

"Fuera Negra" - I literally translated "Black Out" on and that is what it came up with. I also did a Google Image of fuera negra and it came up with the following:

I wonder if this was before or after her "fuera negra."

I have done and said a lot of stupid shit in my life. As long as you learn from them, right? WRONG. Here is a compilation of five of the most preposterous things that I can think of that have happened to me. Unfortunately, my friends know more stories about me than I do.

1. The night I forgot who ran for president
I was drinking. heavily. And I went to a house party and met a man, lets call him Asparagus, Aspy for short. Aspy walks me home. Asks for a glass of water. We chat about political nonsense, always a great topic for the drunkies, and I decide to discuss the recent presidential election. I forgot about John McCain.
Note to self: Read up on current events. 

2. O.A. Overeaters Anonymous
Back when I resembled a female version of Chuy from Chelsea Lately, I had a couple of incidents where I would accidentally eat more than my belly could contain. When I was about three years old, I had a thing for Mcdonald's French Fries. I liked them so much that I would just swallow them whole. I would eat so many and then I would vomit and out would come french fry hair balls. That was just the beginning. One time when I was eight years old, I spent the night at my Grandpa's place. He had a swell crib so I enthusiastically said yes. I still remember the multiple courses that I chowed down on to this day, except breakfast, so we can skip that one. Lunch was at the Space Needle, consisting of a burger and fries. Pretty standard. Then about an hour later we go watch a Mariners game at the Kingdome (RIP). I decide that I need garlic fries (BEST CHOICE EVER) and a snow cone. The blue raspberry snow cone dripped all down my pot belly but I didn't mind, I still don't mind. About two hours after the game, we go home and make homemade pizza, I eat about two personal pizzas to myself. Don't forget dessert! Ice cream sundaes, extra fudge puhlease. I go to bed and watch some god awful TV show, get the spins from eating too much, and throw up everything. I've never seen such a beautiful arrangement of color.
Note to self: Have replaced over eating with drinking. 

3. Throwing fireworks at moving cars 
You would think that this would be an obvious one to not do. Fifteen and a freak, my friend and I had one flower ground bloom firework left and thought it would be fun to throw at a car. In short, the car ran over it while it was exploding and it started spinning. We ran for our lives. I did not run fast enough because I was wearing flip flops. The man got out of his car and chased me. He caught me. Screamed at me. Then I just felt like an idiot.
Note to self: Running shoes.

4. Having my stuff stolen for not sleeping with someone
So this one time I was drinking heavily, and my friend and I thought it would be a brilliant idea to go around screaming our address to people at a party, trying to start something at our house. We pretty much failed except for these two fucks that decided to come back home with us. He starts trying to hook up with me, proclaiming that my friend was having sex with his friend in which she was doing the exact opposite. My cricket conscience tells me that this is a bad idea. So I kick him out of my house, and then proceed to not remember much of the rest of the night. Next morning I wake up, and my laptop is missing. For the longest time I had no idea what happened or who took it. My roommates suggested that I drunkenly stashed it in some corner of our house. Not quite. I fill out a stolen property report with the police, a few months later I get a call with the name of the person who stole my laptop. You guessed it. That fucker. Moral of the story, apparently not putting out will cause your property to get stolen. 
Note to self: Buy a lock. 

5. Drinking too much without flotation devices.  
One summer, I decided to get really ripped on a bottle of Jagermeister on a little speed boat during Fourth of July weekend. I was with some friends, who also got equally destroyed. A little background on the situation, I don't know how to swim, period. I don't like water, it scares me. I have fears of drowning, I can't even float. But what I didn't think about during this situation was drinking excessively and being around a lake with people jumping off boats and such. Being so brilliant and all, I jumped off the boat and "swam" over to a gigantic intertube that people were hanging out in. I don't remember much after that. Except waking up, by myself, in a gigantic floaty filled with water. That was kind of stupid. 
Note to self: Never drink without water wings. 



  1. "GET SOME" - Pretty self explanatory. Do not say this to random people though, I have gotten some weird looks.

    .... THAT'S the thing that gets you weird looks? I don't believe it.

  2. I say "get some" all the time. Along with "ask about me," and random people find it hilarious. I'm surprised people don't respond better lol.

    oh and Gucci's another thing I always say!

  3. Miss Sassy Pants: You are too sassy for my pants.

    Carrymel: I am so glad that someone else understands the importance of using colorful words. You are spectacular!