Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Syllabus Week Slopfest: 6 Days of "Sobriety"

Syllabus Week is known throughout college campuses as usually a very relaxed week with classes. Generally, the teachers don't do a lot of notes, and if there is homework, it's pretty minimal. Therefore, us students take advantage of this opportunity to drink. A lot. Some more than others, such as myself.

Every night was entertaining, and by every night, I mean Monday through Saturday. So here are some of the highlights that happened during this atrocious and monster of a week that was the death to my liver.

Monday: Started drinking at 1PM approximately after class. Spent an obscene amount of money at the bars. Blacked out and woke up to PCP's delight, on her couch.

Tuesday: Too many Cherry Vodka shots and ending the night at the Taco place eating only lettuce. Also, bringing a man home that is nameless and we won't mention. Mainly because he just passed out on my bed after a quick game of tongue twister.

Wednesday: Wasn't going to go out, but I blame PCP. Drank a disgusting amount of Bacardi Gold Rum at 11PM and proceeded to dance my face off at the bar. Also turned into one of the worst black outs of the week. A gentleman walked PCP and I home, but we think he had the mindset that we were going to have a threesome. He was promptly excused from my residence.

Thursday: Worst hangover day of the week, but I knew in my heart that I had to be a champion. Went to Hippie's boyfriend's party where there was fire hula hooping and a lot of drunk freshman girls. I threatened to spit on all of them. While walking to the bar to get my gig on, I wished a "happy thursday" to one beautiful lady, and she said "FUCK YOU BITCH," so I wanted to fight her. After the bar closed, I sat outside and had a smoke with some friends. The police thought these two gentlemen were fighting so they tackled them. Turns out they were just play wrestling. An uproar from the drunken WSU students at the police. I was staring off into oblivion, contemplating life obviously, and a tall blonde grenade thought I was staring her down, which in truth I wasn't. She attempts to pick a fight with me, poor choice betch. I start yelling at her back, and my friend had to take her away. I would have just sat on her anyway.

Friday: GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY. You betcha I did. Did not go to the bar, the line was outside of the parking lot full of drunk sluts and wannabee bros, not really my cup of tea. I spend the night wandering the streets with a gentleman who works at the liquor store, he's pretty swell, and helped me pick out what alcohol to put into a watermelon. Sounds like a keeper to me.

Saturday: Get sleazy. Day drinking was a must today. Not only was it pushing 98 degrees (90's band reference) but I was parched for some beer. My roommate and I venture over to a Rugby party that was close to our place of residence. We are intercepted by the WSU dance boy and his roommates. Take some shots there and some homemade beer that dance boy had made. Not too shabby actually, tasted a lot like apple cider. Eventually, we make it over to the party and witness a whole lot of beer chugging and can throwing. Dance boy cums with us, but is kicked out for being wasted. Whoopsie daisy. After Rugby party, it's time to get serious. I am currently hammered, and make a delicious whole wheat ham wrap dipped in too much mayonnaise (cellulite). You know we're going to get serious about drinking when my roommate buys a fifth of 151. The last time I had an encounter with 151, shit got real ugly, real quickly. Anyway back to the present, never underestimate the power of 151. You can only take a few shots of it to get a good buzz and that's all you really need. Everyone is feeling wonderful and drunk. Liquor store boy cums over and he and I venture to the bar. I make the poor decision and decide that I am not nearly drunk enough and the man pulls out a pint of Gentleman's Jack. You know this boy is classy. We are taking pulls while walking to the bar which is not too bright of both of us when we see the boys in blue walking straight towards us.

Cop #1: "Hey! What's that you got there!?"
Me: "Oh, you know...hehe"
Friend doing a ride a long for the school newspaper: "OH HEY GABBY!"
Cop #2: "You know that's a $250 citation for an open container right?"
Me: "Oh, no I did not know that officer"

They let that shit slide like butter. They probably should have given me a ticket, but I think they had too much on their platter with all the drunk freshmen acting a fool. Apparently, a thirty something couple had been partying at our place with a half gallon of Captain Morgan's Rum and as liquor store boy and I arrive back from the bar, we see a DUI taking place in front of our house. I run outside, barefoot mind you, and observe the scene. APPARENTLY the woman getting arrested was the thirty something wife of that guy who was partying at our house. The husband was across the street watching his wife get arrested, he sounds like a winner.

And that basically sums up that gross week, don't try this at home.


  1. I want to party with you. Every day of the week. Make it happen, because you're clearly magical.

  2. KG: You are more than welcome to join me. Come to Pullman, make it happen. I have faith that you know how to get down.

  3. Was this liquor store fellow tall with dark shaggy hair?