Thursday, September 1, 2011

How To Deal With The Awkward Morning After

First and foremost, I would like to thank my "roommate" M&M for suggesting that I blog about this common problem that we endure.

I am sure that a rather large percentage of us twenty somethings have experienced the awkward morning after. Katy Perry phrases it perfectly in her song, "Last Friday Night." So you took way too many shots of Tequila and somehow in your drunken stupor, attract the attention of the "cute" boy or girl lurking in the corner watching your every move. Now you two start talking or dancing together and your lips meet and from there, the rest is a baby in the making. Just kidding.

Now, you wake up around seven or eight in the morning and realize that you are either:
A) Naked and confused
B) Wearing half of your outfit last night and confused
C) Dressed in a bizarre assortment that you like to call pajamas, and still confused as fuck

Then you look to your left and realize to your horror that the person you were with last night was definitely not  on the scale of 10 attractive that you thought they were and are naked with a line of drool coming out of their mouth.

This is the moment when you ask yourself the age old question:


If you have seen the amazing film, Coyote Ugly, they give a splendid definition of the Awkward Morning After and if your prospect from the night before is a grenade.
Here's Urban Dictionary's Definition:
A situation encountered after a night of consuming alcohol whereby a person, usually male, wakes the next morning in a strange bed with a sexual partner from the previous evening who is completely physically undesirable (see ugly, nasty, two bagger) and sleeping on the man's arm. The hapless male would rather gnaw off his own arm than wake the woman and have to face the ills of his intoxicated choices the previous evening. Originating from a phenomena whereby a coyote captured in a jaw trap will chew off its own leg to escape certain death. 
In case you find yourself in the middle of an Awkward Morning after scenario, my suggestion is to prod the crap out of them until they wake up. I like to prod them and give them a little wave or a "whoopsie daisy" smile. Then I like to say something that ends up being really awkward like, "Wow, that party was great last night wasn't it?" And then they give you the look like "well, obviously it was great, I'm in your bed you fucking moron." I personally think it's better to make small talk with your shacker rather than getting dressed in absolute silence. They say silence is golden, but in this situation, it makes everything more awkward.

It's better to get the shacker out early, any later, and shit just hits the awkward fan. I've had guys, like my recent nameless man, where we have both accidentally slept in until eleven or later. Now I've realized that I have not only missed my first class, but also missed breakfast.

So as you're chatting about the party or the weather or your favorite animal, whatever tickles your fancy, grab clothes immediately. I don't want to be parading around naked in the daylight in front of my shacker. Tequila makes everyone's body distorted, and mine is no exception. Not just because I am a self conscious woman, but I don't want my shacker to think he made the mistake of sleeping with a cream puff, and vice versa.

The awkward scramble of retrieving your clothing is over and it's time to show them the door, but this is the clincher part of the morning. I'll give you an example of my last morning after with said nameless guy who is nameless because I have absolutely no idea who the fuck he is. Stay class, Tron.

Me: "So...have a safe trip back?" 
Juicehead: "Yeah, I will...thanks"
Me: "Yeah...I have to go to class..."
Juicehead: "Okay...I have to go, but my phone is dead and I don't know where my friends are."
Me: "Sorry, good luck."

I beat a bit around the bush with this one, but I strongly advise you not to. My mentality is, get in, and get the fuck out. Don't linger around the front door staring at the floor, dismiss the little bugger. Then Juicehead Nameless Man gave me the awkward one arm hug. THE FUCKING AWKWARD ONE ARMED HUG. 

We all know about this bitch. But it's probably the most appropriate for someone that you don't know. I would say this is your best way to seal the goodbye with the one armed hug. Don't forget the awkward side pat on the side that goes along with the one armed hug. Then promptly dismiss your shacker from your residence and bid them "Adieu!" Because they get to go embark on the "Walk of Shame", which really should be the "Stride of Pride."

Also, a word about exchanging numbers. You probably got the number the night before when you were somewhat coherent. No one likes exchanging digits in the morning, because that just creates more delayed awkward banter at the front door, especially if you don't know their name. Then you'll get a text once they leave saying, "Hey, this is Randy from last night, hope we can hang out again." Oh, good to know Randy, because I was really hoping that we could go get coffee sober so we can try to make ourselves feel better and give each other false hope that maybe we can have a relationship after a blacked out one night stand. Because when we go on that coffee date, all I'll be thinking about is your gangly body and you smelling like vomit and Sweet Tea Vodka.

So Ladies and Gentleman, a quick overview to prepare you for your next Awkward Morning After:
1. Drinking Tequila will lessen the odds of having an Awkward Morning After
2. If you do embark on the Tequila train, make sure your shacker leaves early. The later your shacker remains at your residence, the more awkward for the both of you, and makes it more humorous for your roommates.
3. At least walk them to the front door, unless the shacker has already made a run for it while you were still in a drunken coma. That way they don't have to ask where the front door is, much to your roommates amusement.
4. When saying goodbye, usually opt for the awkward hug, unless you feel appropriate to kiss them. Even a friendly wave will suffice for saying toodles.

If anyone has any other ideas or topics for me to blog about, don't hesitate to shoot me an email:


  1. Is it weird that as soon as I read the title of this post I thought "coyote ugly" and lo and behold, there it is.


    you might be my hero.

  2. Well, I'm officially telling my boyfriend that I need to start sleeping with random men.

    This shit is hilarious, Gabs. Keep the tequila and bad decisions coming!

  3. KG: I just recently watched Coyote Ugly which was part of the reason to write this post, one of my favorite movies! Also, Sweet Tea Vodka is especially good with Arnold Palmer's Lemonade.

    Allie: Thanks for the support, I love reading your shit too :) You da best <3

  4. why in the world do u consider yourself a cream puff?

  5. Etizel: I'm trying to be humorous, would you prefer a danish?

  6. prolly one of the COLDEST things ever said as the morning after thing... Quagmire bangs the social worker (for the Griffins to get Stewie back)

    Social Worker: Glen I have a question for you.. what do you do for a living?
    Quagmire: I have a question for you.. why are you still here?